For the first time in forever, I’ve had plans. I had a schedule. My calendar was filled. Babysitting, working events, dinners, brainstorming sessions, parties and picnics.

I loved it.

I like being busy and running around. I could pass on the 4:30 AM wake up calls I had a few mornings in there though. But other than that, being busy was good for me. Seeing so many of my friends and meeting people was something I really needed.

When I’m home, I have too much time to think. And I’m an overthinker by nature so normally, my mind is racing. Then throw in a days of no plans besides sending out emails and reading books and I will overthink everything.

I will overanalyze my life.

I will even overanalyze YOUR life.

So yeah, distractions are a good thing.

But then Wednesday night, it all caught up with me. I was running on little sleep, taking care of sick babies and just going nonstop. And I was in the middle of a brainstorm session with some of the most amazing women here in Chicago and started losing my voice.

The next morning, I felt like I had been run over by a truck. And that truck reversed, backed up over me and then drove right on over again all weekend. Repeatedly.

I’m still feeling a little run down but I think the worst of the plague has past.

The worst part about it was one of my favorites in the entire world was here for a whole week and I couldn’t hang out with her. We had picnics and plans and pow wows! And this stupid sick threw a big wrench into these plans and I felt awful about it. Awful because I was sick and awful because I couldn’t play.

So I need to find a balance between having no life and running myself into the ground and NYC, one of you need to take Nicole on a picnic for me. You can even print out a little photo of me and take it with you so I’ll be there in spirit.

Okay or not, because that is creepy.

But hopefully, I can go visit soon and finally see New York how it should be seen!

This past week has been a rough one for me. I feel like I hit that wall and just need to get it out. Because if I don’t I might just burst.

I’m frustrated.

I can’t do anything because I’m broke. I can’t afford gas to get the hell out of the south side to go see my friends. And I’m not really el accessible so it’s hard to get around unless I drive or take the Metra which is super annoying. I can’t go out and grab dinner or drinks. Some friends were in town this weekend and I just couldn’t go hang out. It was a bummer.

The job situation is rough. I go on interviews and send out resume after resume. I’ve been hoping I wouldn’t have to go the retail route but it looks like that is going to be my next step. A very temporary solution hopefully.

I’m really trying to be healthier and get in shape. I have it stuck in my head that by doing that, things will fall back into place. I know it’s not the case and it probably won’t happen but I’m going to keep these feelings and use them as motivation.

I’m just kind of emotionally spent at the moment both with work and my personal life. I just need something to go right. Anything. I don’t want to blown off anymore. I don’t want to be second best. I want to be happy again. I want to be excited about what I do. I need some stability. All I want is to be wanted.

I’m still not feeling the Christmas spirit.

The tree is up but no presents are really under it. No one is really on top of thier Christmas shopping this year. Usually, I am all over it but this year I’m slacking.

My family is still in shambles. My mother pretends to care but I think the extent of Christmas to her is wanting to know what she is getting as presents. No, seriously, in our last conversation, she asked “what are you getting me?” then said, “well Sundance has cheap earrings” when I responded I’m pretty strapped for cash this season so not to expect anything big. Maybe I should give her what she gave me for my birthday? A big fat nothing. And I guess she forgot last Christmas she acted like a total bitch and dropped the divorce bomb days after.

So yeah, the holidays are super festive this year.

(sarcasmsarcasmsarcasm)

Then there is the not knowing what is going on in with the boy. Who knows anymore. We’re happy though. Kinda? Just very confused.

Oh and I’m helping launch a huge project in less than a month for the internship. I’m working on a pitch that will hopefully wow bloggers. But really, how wierd is it being on the opposite end of pitches? I have to say, I’m not a fan of writing them. I’d much rather be recieving them.

And when I get like this, I eat. Stress, sad, mad – eat eat eat. Why I can’t I be one of those who just can’t look at food when they are upset instead of shoveling it all in my face?

There you have it. I’m confused, angry, stressed, fat, not feeling very Christmasy.

What else would I like for the holidays?

To lose thirty pounds, a vacation and most of all, some fucking clarity.

Things that make me cranky:

- waking up for the day when it is still dark out
- waking up
- not enough sleep
- the weather getting cold (fall is fine but beyond brisk SUCKS)
- little dachshunds that bark incessantly at 4AM
- 3 year olds that don’t listen
- slacking on my blogs (which I am currently doing)
- trying to find another part time job

Blah.

What makes you cranky?

Today has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I worked a 10.5 hour day with a baby attached to my hip who screamed if put down for a second. A 2.5 year old who refused to listen. I had two screaming kids, crying about every and anything. Don’t want to eat, don’t want to nap, don’t want to this, don’t want to that. For 10.5 hours. Okay 9 hours, minus naptime. Dora the Explorer did not even save me.

NOT EVEN DORA.

I walked outside to my finally get in my car and find a parking ticket. A soggy one, no less because of course – it is raining.

Stupid rain.

Stupid street cleaning.

Cranky kids.

Stupid Dora.

I think I’ll move to Australia.

I really love my job as a nanny. It’s flexible, I make great money, the kids are adorable…most of the time. Sometimes I want to rip my hair out if I have to hear the Wonder Pets theme song one more time, but when the little guy pretends to hurt himself, just so he can say, “Kiss it, Jamie”, I can’t help but smile. Of course, I smother the kids with hugs and kisses all the time, but when you’re 2 1/2 and can squeeze in an extra one by a little faking, you do it. There really is nothing better than turning the keys and hearing a rush of footsteps to greet me at the door. 7:30AM? I am not a morning person, but when I’m greeted with hugs and shouts about what we are going to do today, I don’t mind it at all. I work 11 hour days at least twice a week, it’s tiring. Definitely. But when mom and dad get home and the little guy can show them he can count to 10 in Spanish now because of me, it’s pretty awesome. All in all, I couldn’t ask for a better gig. I’ll be sad once I have to get a “real” job – if I ever graduate, that is. They are like a second family to me.

Downsides of the job? Sickness. Kids are magnets for germs. Seriously. All germs within a mile radius gets sucked into the kids. I feel like I’m always coming down with a cold or something. This time? The flu. The kids were on the very last bits of the flu when I worked on Thursday, but I figured I’d be okay since it was on it’s way out. Friday, I was fine. Saturday, not so much.

Of course, it happens when I have plans. That’s how it always goes. I dragged myself to puppy class thinking I’d be okay. I spent the whole pretty much slumped over in a chair or making trips across the store the restroom. I’m so grateful boyfriend went and handled Edie all class. I couldn’t drive home so I handed Will the keys. The drive home was full of tears for me because I am kind of a baby when I get sick. You know the feeling of having to throw up but you just can’t? Yeah, that’s makes me whiny and shed a few tears.

Unfortunately, my amazing plans with Jenn had to be canceled. I’m so irritated about that. We will get to Minnie’s, Jenn. Sooner, not later! Promise!

I’m finally starting to feel a little better. My stomach still feels like there is a weight in it. Hopefully tomorrow I will be at 100%

Stupid flu.

- being sick
- missing out on something that totally started from mine and Erin’s emails
- my nose being raw and red
- stuck in bed all weekend

blahblahblah. whinewhinewhine.

edit

it seems someone in Chicago has found me and likes to google my blog name. hi, you. care to comment?

It’s Monday.

I think I am getting sick. I’m stuffy and my head is achey. I cannot wait until the second week of March, when this stupid CNA class is over. I need a break from this ridiculous schedule. This week starts our clinicals which will take place in a nursing home. I have to be honest, I’m really not looking forward to cleaning up after and taking care of the elderly. I know that sounds mean, but I’m just not thrilled on it.

I’m going to go to the doctor for my physical, grab some Subway and then go to the doctor again for my follow up TB shot.

Rumor has it the strike might be over. Grey’s Anatomy might have new episodes in the beginning of March.

If these rumors are true, what can’t you wait for to come back on?

Yesterday was ridiculous. I left at 7:30 AM and didn’t get home until 9:30. I got to math to find out we have a test Wednesday which means I will have to study all night.  I had quite a few people (in class and even in my comments!) explain irrational and rational numbers to me, but yet, I still don’t completely get it. I get the idea of it, but just figuring it out, is the hard part. I hate fractions. They should be illegal. It doesn’t help that the girls who I study with are kind of lost on it too. Did I mention that one of them has my exact same name? Jamie (insert Hispanic last name)? Exactly. I’ve never met another person with my last name, let alone my first and last name spelled the exact same way.

I then went to get my TB skin test and gritted the whole time, you would have thought they were stabbing me repeatedly, when really it was a small poke. I hate shots. I have to go back Thursday to make sure I don’t have TB and then back Monday to get the second step. Tomorrow I have a physical and possibly more shots if my doctor feels I need them, which I’m praying he just waives.

I got back to school at around 1:30 and studied for my gigantic test at 3:30. Thank you for all your smarts and luck! I think I did pretty well. I over studied a lot of stuff I thought would be focused on more and understudied a few other things. Go figure. I still think I did okay. We will find out on Wednesday. My professor then decided, “Hey, after racking your brain for the test, I’m going to go over 9 new chapters and keep you hear until 9:00″, she wanted to do more but we basically would have rioted had she tried.  The woman with the baby voice, for some reason decides to tell us that she has been dreaming about this class. What? Seriously. Go away. You’re creepy and your voice and inane comments and questions make me want to stab my eyes out.

Walking in the door, I find out Mother Dearest is talking to her lawyer. Things are about to get so messy at home, it’s not even funny. Plus she is been acting like everything is fine, which it obviously is not. My sister and I haven’t spoken to her in over a month and she is walking around all smiles. Well, whatever, as long as she is happy, right?

I have a ton of emails to return, google reader to catch up on and math homework. I will write something a little less whiny and ranty soon enough. I have all those questions to answer too!

One bright spot? I seen this over on The Stupidsheet:

I’m not going to point out anyone in particular, because I think all you bitches are awesome!

Why is it that when you are really looking forward to sleeping, you can never do it? I’ve had a hellish schedule this week. Up at a ridiculous early hour, at school until almost 10PM 3 days a week. I’m tired. I was looking forward to this weekend so much because 3 blissful days of sleeping late! Not having to wake up at 6AM!

What happens?

Yesterday, slept until 9. I got like 6 hours of sleep. Today slept until 9 too, got about 5 hours of sleep. 5-6 hours of sleep does not work for me. I need my sleep or I’m cranky and tired and not too fun. It’s like an unwritten rule this weekend, that everyone must be loud as they possibly can, as early as they possibly can in my house this weekend.

I have one more day to get it right and I am not above shanking someone to get a good night’s sleep.