Feel free to add to the list in the comments.
* Before anyone jumps on me for that statement, I know it doesn’t work that way. Ever heard of a little exaggeration?**
** But for the record? I really am effing awesome so shut it.
***I’m not saying they are musical geniuses, it’s just a fun song. Okay, music snobs?

Anyway, yesterday I came across Twilight tattoos**. Unfortunately, there is such a thing because people get them.

Why?

I guess Edward dazzled them into doing it but really, is Twilight such a great piece of literature that you must have it tattooed on your body?

UNTIL YOU DIE?!

Well these people think so.

I know bring you the worst tattoos I’ve ever seen.***

Well, if you’re left speechless, that’s exactly how I was last night. And if that is not enough, here is some more.

* this includes: throwing himself in front of cars, protecting me from werewolves, telling me I am his life and of course, the sparkle factor.
** dude, just get a damn tshirt.
***I’m sorry if you happen to be on here but if you are, you’re a damn fool.

Family.

Not just my immediate family…. the whoooooole family.

Why all of a sudden do they have to be all hip with the times and discover the internet?

It was bad when Myspace was at the peak of it’s annoyance and they decided to OMG! FRIEND ME! and leave me blinkey, glitter gifs of an angel with devil horns that say, “MUCH LUV 4 MY CUZ!” on my comments page.

I mean Myspace wasn’t so bad since I logged in every three months so I could basically ignore most of it and still let them feel “connected”.

But now they are moving on to Facebook. Seriously. I’ve dodged quite a few family friendship requests. My internet presence is splattered way too much over my Facebook profile and I’d rather them not be that involved. My big ass Mexican family is way too nosy and too gossipy and will be all up in my shit.

I know all they have to do is google me to find this blog, I’m sure, but I’m hoping they still haven’t figured out googling people. You never know, I mean they did join Myspace like 37 years too late.

Does this make me a bad a person?

I guess I could do limited profiles for certain people but I think that’s a pain in the ass to set up. I have better things to do than to fuss with that. You know, like read through the whole Chicago Public Library (hi, two books in a day and a half).

But the day my third cousin once removed’s aunt’s daughter follows me on Twitter, I’m breaking the internet and only allowing limited access to people.

THE WHOLE INTERNET.

So be nice and stay away from my social media, family, or I’ll take your internet away.

For good.

I bet you never thought you would hear anyone ever say that.

But wait, hear read me out. Let’s forget about the vagina flashing, sex tapes, and general stupidity for a second.

You all know I’m one of those weird people who love their pet more than people because really, let’s face it, people suck. A lot. So when I came across this on my favorite trashy celeb super informative and credible news site, I decided Paris Hilton knows whats up.

That, my friends, is her dogs’ house.

Complete with a chandelier, air conditioner/heater, wardrobe and staircase. You can see the rest of the photos here.

It’s offical. Paris Hilton’s dogs live better than me and most people in the world.

FML

(Not gonna lie, if I were rich and famous for no reason and had tons of money, I’d buy Edie one. My pup would be living in style: Chewy Vuitton, Bark Jacobs and Chewnel. For serious.)

Then again, it was the late eighties and early nineties so it just went with the pog playing and knotted tee shirt territory so shut it.

But now in 2009, there is absolutely NO excuse for a 20something anyone to be wearing a god damn scrunchie. I don’t care if you’re the hippest hipster that ever lived. I mean, I know you all try to run with the whole it’s-so-ugly-and-ironic-it’s-cool type deal but dude, seriously.

Hip does not mean ugly.

But I guess if you hit 6 Corners here in Chicago, your eyes would tell you differently. And I bet you would see some of these monstrosities.

Yes, I pulled that off of American Apparel’s website. Yes, they are selling them for six bucks a pop. YES, it hurts my heart a little.

I’m a fan of AA. Most of the stuff, anyway. I could live every day of my life wearing a tri-blend deep v because they are just THAT comfortable. I enjoy their hoodies and try to steal William’s all the time. But, I think they’ve gone too far.

If you’re rocking the scrunchie, we can’t be friends.

I’m sorry.

(I’m not even going to touch the pregnant ads because dude, I doubt any pregnant woman would think this outfit is comfortable. I’m uncomfortable just looking at it.)

This thought was followed closely by Joe and Suede’s hideous designs for a twenty something.

How in the world did half of these designers get this far?

And why did they not send Jerell home for that thing on his head?

He looks like he is going to go frolic with some gnomes and elves in the Forbidden Forest.