Well it seems to be that time again. You know every couple months when I have a bit of a meltdown about my body. Yeah, that time.

After seeing pictures of myself that have popped up from BlogHer and other events, watching a show full of hot bitches take off their clothes and some photos of something else that bothered me, it’s time to crack down.

Seriously.

SERIOUSLY.

When I look in the mirror I don’t see it but when photos and video roll around, I get embarrassed. How could I have let myself wear that or sit like that? Or fuck, I really look that bad?

So yes, it’s time to get things moving again. I’ll be starting the Shred again and taking more long walks with the pup. Heavily restricting my food intake, lots more water and all that good stuff.

I’m ready to see the numbers drop and some changes. For good.

If you need me I’ll be in front of my tv crucio-ing Jillian Michaels.

That bitch.

A few days, errr…. okay, FINE months ago, I picked up a copy of this 30 Day Shred nonsense.

Basically, it’s been sitting on top of my dvd player for way too long. So I figure if I write about doing it, I have to do it. Or I’m a big lying fakey McFakerson.

The size of my ass depends on each and every one of you.

(No pressure.)

You all are keeping my accountable whether you like it or not.

(Is it possible to cheat at The Shred? Would I see 30 Day Shrediness if I did it twice a day for two weeks?)

Let’s do this. Make me look fierce, Jillian. I want an ass like Gaga.

(I predict a post announcing my death from being Shredded tomorrow.)

Anyone who knows me, knows I constantly struggle with my weight and food. I’m always one extreme (restrictrestrictrestrict) or the other (eateateat) and it’s hard for me to find a healthy medium.

I’ve had a lot going on since late last year. I’ve dealt with a heart wrenching break up, an incredibly stressful internship which had me working 12 hour days, existing off peanut M&Ms and food ordered in from Grub Hub and left me feeling unappreciated, along with the never ending family drama.

Needless to say: STRESS = EATING

Too bad I’m not one of those people who just can’t bear to look at food when I’m freaking out about my life falling apart, right?

Well, obviously just by looking at me, I’m not one of those people.

I’m at the highest weight I’ve ever been at. The thought of stepping on the scale to confirm that, scares the shit out of me so I’ve been staying far, far away. I just know though. I feel heavy. Massive. My clothes fit differently. The thought of packing for a Florida vacation a few weeks ago nearly sent me into meltdown mode.

So it’s time for detoxing.

Cutting down the pop intake until I can finally convince myself to stop drinking it completely. Lean proteins. Fruit. Water water water. Laying off the carbs. Time to man up and step on the scale to find out that scary number to further convince myself that, no, I don’t really need those french fries. Time to extend those walks with Edie. Time to really exercise.

I know if I really wanted to, I can drop weight off really, really quickly. I know my body and know how to get things done but I don’t want my world to revolve around calorie counting, skipped meals and hopping on the scale every time I walk past the bathroom.

I don’t want to be a mess. The mess that I am now or the mess that I am when I work myself up into a crazed dieting frenzy.

There has to be a balance somewhere.

(And I swear to god, if someone comments with: “Oh it’s so easy. Just watch what you eat and exercise”, I will cut a judgey bitch. You have NO idea what it is like to really struggle with weight so shut your face. Seriously.)

The scale has hit that number.

You know the “at least I’m not ___ lbs yet” number. Don’t get me wrong, I have been more than this but this  is one I was hoping I wouldn’t see again. I don’t plan on letting it get higher though.

I know there are some people who think, “Just shut up, eat better and work out. It’s so easy. Stop complaining”.

Those people have obviously never struggled with their weight before. Those people never felt the need to skip meals. When you do eat, never felt the urge to count each and every calorie you put into your mouth. Then regret each and every one of those calories, even if it was just a piece of fruit. They don’t step on and off the scale throughout the day, flinching if the number goes up an ounce or breathing a sigh of relief if it is down a bit.

It’s not easy for everyone.

Now I’m back at the start. I’ll watch what I eat, find time to work out and hope I don’t work myself up into a giant mess again this time.

There are people size 2-22, men and women, young and old who have issues with food and dieting. Some people are lucky to never have body image issues but I’m not one of them.

If you’re lucky enough to be one of those people, don’t judge.

You don’t know what it’s like unless you have been there yourself.

Picture this.

Nanny Jamie is playing with the almost one year old in the living room. 2 year old was in his room doing his business, he normally goes off and tells me when he is ready to change.

Then, it got quiet. Too quiet. I burst into his room.

What do I see?

A two year old with both legs in one of the leg holes on his Pull Up. Poopy diaper on the floor and a big brown spot where he plopped ass down on the cream carpet.

Later we see a disheveled nanny scrubbing the carpet with everything under the kitchen sick trying to get shit off the carpet.

That was only part of my day.

Yesterday was rough.

After a week of magic, fairy dust and no worries, I was back home. Back to reality.

Nannying is burning me out, the 12 hour days running around after kids who aren’t even mine. Don’t get me wrong, I love the kids to death. They are my babies, but I’ve been doing this long enough to know, how a kid acts with their parents and how they act with a sitter or nanny are on opposite ends of the behavior spectrum. The kids have more good days than not so good days. I really can’t complain, I get paid very well for what I do and I am practically part of the family. It’s just wearing me down.

I have money issues like no tomorrow. BlogHer is coming up, tuition, gas, and now vet bills. Turns out this dog my cousin gave me, doesn’t have any shots and must be neutered. All that is coming out of my pocket. I feel like I’m drowning and will never catch up.

My parents are officially divorced now, it happened last month. Unfortunately, they are both still living here so it’s like nothing has changed. House repairs, big and small, must be done before the house can be sold. I’m betting we will be stuck in this shitty situation until at the very least fall, I wouldn’t be surprised if we were here longer.

Meaningless little stuff that on a normal day wouldn’t bother me, yesterday had me absolutely reeling. I came home, the internet was being a bitch and it just pushed me over the edge. Everything bubbled up and over and I was done. Tears were officially flowing and I let it all out.

I sent boyfriend a text that I was going to bed at about 9:30 because I just needed the day to be over. He knows me too well and called. He talked and calmed me. He reminded me that yeah, things might suck now but I do have a lot to be happy for.

And I am.

Right then I was just feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. It finally all caught up with me and came out.

I’m happy I have someone to bring me back down and remind me of these things when needed.

I love him.

I’ve been pretty much maintaining the same weight, give or take a few pounds, since December when I went to Vegas. While the number was far from ideal, I wasn’t really mad at it. I don’t like it and still think it is too high, but it could have been worse. The past two weeks, I have really been indulging myself and telling myself it was okay because my birthday was coming up. Today I got on the scale and saw a number I was definitely not okay with, only a few pounds up but still, not good.

Starting today, I’m now back in lose weight mode. I have a trip to Florida in June and I would like to look acceptable in a swimsuit. So I’m back to watching my intake, daily weigh ins and elliptical every day I can fit it in. Also, now that the weather is actually starting to feel like spring and getting warmer, Edie and I will be taking a long walk once a day. I’m cutting out pop (soda, for your weird people!) completely and drinking tons of water. More protein, less carbs. All the little things like that will make a big difference.

So time to get in to shape. No bullshit. No excuses. Let’s do this – the right way.