We all know I’m a total whore for RPattz and Edward Cullen. I’m not ashamed to say I enjoy some pent up steamy vampire non-sex. But seriously fuck off, Stephanie Meyers, these damn books ruined all possible future relationships I might have and I now have unrealistic expectations for men*.

Anyway, yesterday I came across Twilight tattoos**. Unfortunately, there is such a thing because people get them.

Why?

I guess Edward dazzled them into doing it but really, is Twilight such a great piece of literature that you must have it tattooed on your body?

UNTIL YOU DIE?!

Well these people think so.

I know bring you the worst tattoos I’ve ever seen.***

(more…)

I am a shameless lover of celebrity news. I know exactly what Britney is up too. I’m up to speed on my Jonas Brother / Miley fueds and love affairs. What’s up with Grey’s Anatomy George and Izzy next season? I can tell you. Lindsay Lohan is following around Sam Ronson like a puppy? Old news but can you believe she still thinks leggings are pants and is making money off that?

Basically I’m on top of my celeb gossip game. It’s kind of sad but kind of AWESOME.

But what I don’t do is Perez Hilton. I think is a fame hungry idiot. Yeah, everyone talks shit about Britney’s crazy or whatever but when you feel the need to start outting celebs and being an all around douchebag, I’m over it.

It seems like yesterday Perez got his. will.i.am from the Black Eye Peas got all in his face because Perez was running his mouth on his ridiculous ad infested web site. Whatever, no biggie. But then will.i.am’s manager decided to punch Perez in the face a few times.

But you know what? I don’t feel sorry for him one bit, not even after watching his tear filled video claiming violence is never the answer.

He’s right that violence is never the answer. What pisses me off  about this whole situation is that Perez decided he wouldn’t be intimidated. And to show he wasn’t afraid he decided to call will.i.am a “fucking faggot” because it’s the “worst thing a thug would ever want to hear”.

Really?

An openly gay man and supporter of equal rights is going to call someone else a “faggot” to degrade them? Way to promote hatred and intolerance toward your own community. That just doesn’t seem right to me.

I’m incredibly interested in how Perez will clean this up and try to make nice.

EDIT

After GLAAD urges Perez to apologize for his anti-gay slurs, he hits back with:

“I am saddened GLAAD chose to victimize me further by criticizing me for how I non-violently dealt with a very scary situation that, unfortunately, turned violent. While I doubt I will get an apology from GLAAD, nor do I expect one, I would just hope people know how difficult it is to intellectualize a situation and think rationally when a thug disguised as a musician is screaming at your face and intimidating you. I am just very fortunate and grateful that nothing more serious happened to me.”

Someone should hit him again for his stupidity.

While watching So You Think You Can Dance? I managed to catch a commercial for this new show Fox is coming out with called More to Love. Maybe others have heard about it before but it’s news to me.

FOX is setting out to prove that love comes in all shapes and sizes with the new inspirational dating competition series MORE TO LOVE. Executive-produced by Mike Fleiss (“The Bachelor,” “The Bachelorette”), the unscripted series follows a single average guy with a big waist and an even bigger heart as he romances several confident and secure plus-size women. Each week, the husky hunk will wine and dine a group of curvy women to determine if they have more love to give or if they are truly more than he can handle. When the size of competition narrows, he will have to decide if one full-figured lady will become his true love.

“This is a dating show that sends the right message about embracing and loving yourself no matter your shape or size,” said executive producer Mike Fleiss. “When you are comfortable with your own body, you can really allow yourself to be open to the possibility of finding the right person to love.”

Hold the fuck up.

So if the only size that matter’s is the “size of your heart” then why do you have to have a separate dating show for us “average” folk? Curvy girls aren’t allowed to date The Bachelor now or even men that are thinner than them? They have to date the “single average guy with a big waist”? Is it because Fat People need to stick together? If you’re that “comfortable with your own body” then why limit yourself to who you can date by their weight? Maybe cast some real women on your other reality dating shows besides size two women because all of America doesn’t have plastic boobs and tiny waists.

This is officially the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

Thoughts?

• other people’s drama
• people dragging me into other people’s drama
• people who think they have me pegged when they don’t know shit about me
• people who take the internet too seriously
• people who feel the need to spread rumors and talk shit to get attention

I have enough to worry about and other people’s blog and personal drama is the last thing on my mind.

If anyone has something to say to or about me, feel free to get in touch with me and tell me yourself. Otherwise, keep my name and any implications about me out of your mouth.

That’s the only thing I will ever say on this subject because I really and truly don’t give a fuck.

(I guess I should make sure I don’t step in front of any buses, huh?)

and it led to her demise…

Sounds like a Lifetime movie title and opening, doesn’t it?

(Maybe. Sorta. Kinda. No? Okay, fine.)

Well, that’s my problem. I CAN’T get enough.

Of Lifetime movies, that is.

No, seriously. On the chance that I am home, whether I have a some time to actually watch tv or am working on something else, chances are Lifetime is on in the background with some poorly acted movie with Tori Spelling or about being unknowingly drugged to steal the wife and best friend’s inheritance.

It’s like crack. I just can’t turn away.

The fourteen year olds in high school who spread syphilis to all their classmates because they were screwing 10-15 dudes and the little virgin one is told she looks like Angelina Jolie so duh, she joins in the fun and gets it too.

Then LeAnn Rimes who finds her dad whose been dead for 10 years in a cave in a Alaska and falls in love with the new sheriff who, of course, solves the case.

(Which is also the movie where she meets the dude she has an affair with and cheats on her supposedly gay husband. No, that part is real life but it could totally be made into a movie. Maybe Tori Spelling can play LeAnn Rimes?)

And there is Lacey Chabert who is adopted but her real mom comes back and she gets a cat bank and finds out that OMG! it’s the police officer who is suppose to help her that is the killer and NO WAY! he is framing her dad.

(Lacey Chabert has the most annoying voice. For serious.)

I have yet to stumble across a teen pregnancy or eating disorder movie but with the way things are going it’s only a matter of time.

Maybe I should start thinking about a future career as a Lifetime movie writer? I think I have enough cheese and drama in me to crank out some really great ones.

Let’s just consider this little confession “my research” and never talk about it again.

(well until you see my name in credits as the writer for ‘She Was Too Young part 37′)

Seriously, people. CRACK.

* I’m so looking forward to the search hits I get with this one. STDs and Angelina Jolie in one post, that’s practically blasphemy.
** Lifetime, call me!

Hi, I’m brandy and I write here. Jamie asked me if I wanted to do a guest post for her and I said ‘yes! absolutely!’, because I have it on good authority Jamie will one day own the internet and I want to be on her good side when that happens.

You know when you have an idea that’s so crazy that you have to write about it? Like, that time you decided to go a week only drinking things  from a funnel? Or that time you went to Mexico and got a gang member to explain to you what each of his tattoos meant when you bumped into him in an alley? Or that time you voted *Republican?

That’s what todays post is like. After getting 4 random emails in the last week asking for dating advice, from both bloggers and real life friends, I thought I would impart some tips for the ladies about relationships.  Why is this idea so ridiculous? It could be because I’m currently as single as humanly possible. So much so that asking me for relationship advice is similar to asking Tara Reid tips on sobriety. It’s just a silly idea. But, I thought it would be fun to try and everyone needs a good laugh during a long week. So open up your knowledge basket, because I’m about to fill it up.

1. If a person likes you- YOU WILL KNOW. Stop. Re-read that first sentence. Now read it again. AND AGAIN. Read it until it is carved into your memory, burned into your eyeballs. Read it until you choke on it. Guys don’t play hard to get, so if he IS hard to get? Then he’s not the guy for you. Move along. Trust.

2. Sure, relationships are work but if it’s more work and less play, more tears than laughter, more Ike and less Tina then it’s not worth it. Relationships ARE work, but a relationship shouldn’t feel like a full time job, unless you are getting paid. And if you are getting paid for sleeping with the guy? Then you are a hooker and not a girlfriend and this post doesn’t apply to you.

3. Make up sex is hot, but you know what’s even hotter? Compromising so you don’t argue in the first place. Okay, that’s a lie but you could try it and see if it works for you.

4.”I’m sorry” doesn’t fix things as quickly as “I was wrong” does. But, sometimes it’s nice to hear both, so say each when you mean it.

5. If you have sex in person, you need to dump them in person. If you’ve only had phone sex, you can dump them on the phone, but I assure you, a message left on a machine is just not classy.

Any tips you feel should be on the list?

*Kidding. I promise. I miss politics. Let’s still be friends?

(click image to make bigger)

Note to self: try not to let hand fall off.

Those of you who have been reading since this time last year more than likely remember the tale of the ugly boots.

It all started when I first started this little blog here and wrote about fashion* that should be illegal**. Later in December, I was whining about stepping in slush or something in my Converse and while shopping at Target broke one of my fashion rules by buying a pair of knock off Uggs for $20. I confessed my crime but but refused to like them (still don’t!). They only exist in my closet for the sole reason of keeping my tootsies warm from the frigid, slushy mess that Chicago becomes this time of year until March.

Anyway, I was running later for work the other day, slipped my ugly boots on and ran out the door. At work the kids (I’m a nanny), love the play with my shoes. They put them on and try to walk around with them and I hate it because I’m afraid they will trip and hurt themselves. Usually as soon as I walk in, I put my shoes behind one of the baby gates so they can’t reach them.

Well, I guess this day I forgot to put them out of reach so when it was time to leave, my boots could not be found. I’m looking all over the place and finally spot them.

In a puddle.

Sometimes when you potty training a three year old, you get accidents. Then when they have accidents, an adorable one year old will take the shoes she so loves to play with it and drop it in the accident.

I really don’t think that was an accident.

Baby girl obviously does not approve of ugly boots*** either and doesn’t think I should forsake fashion for warmth.

Lesson learned.

* No, I’m sorry. Leggings are still not pants.
** Expect another fashion gripes post coming soon because there is just too much ugly shit out there that people think is cute!
*** I still love you, Ugg lovers. I’m just not a fan of the boots. No hard feelings!

Amy Poehler is amazing. It would have been more amazing if Palin did it herself though. But really, I laughed so hard. A great Weekend Update!

ETA: I suppose I should add the opening sketch as well because I love me some Tina Fey!

We all hate them. They are ridiculous. They are cheesy. Attention whores. We could go on for days, right?

But in reality, they are geniuses. Marketing geniuses.

They know we know they plan all their photo shoots. They don’t care though. Why? Because they are making bank! How else do you think Heidi manages to stay in Hermes and Louboutin?

People will talk (like I am doing right now) about how ridiculous they are, how staged and fake it all is but we’re just giving them more press.  And that is just making them more money.

So Spencer and Heidi – get that cash. I’m not mad at you but I think you are ridiculous. I know if I could $3 million* off a fake reality television show and some staged photo ops, I’d be all over that shit!

See with this post here, I’m contributing to Speidi’s retirement fund!

Fuck.

* No, they have really made that much. Seriously.