You know those people who are all “omg I unplugged from the world this weekend and it was amazing!!!!!” Well I’m here to tell you my thoughts on that…

THEY ARE ALL FUCKING LIARS.

It’s not awesome or amazing or even slightly cool. It sucks a lot.

For almost a whole month I’ve been without internet at home. Our internet company sucks so it barely worked half the time. Then we couldn’t decide if we were going stick with said company or switch to another who isn’t that great either so that took awhile. And then finally deciding to switch companies and then them not being able to come until February 1st.

One month. Without internet. #incrediblystabby

Let’s talk about how I dealt with it. Read books. Watched bad Lifetime movies about Pregnancy Pacts (HILARIOUS). Painted my nails a pretty color. Repainted my nails a pretty color. 500 Days of Summer. Hacked my iPhone to turn it into a modem.

Yeah, you read that right.

I hacked my iPhone to turn it into a modem for my laptop. (Guys, you should be incredibly turned on right now. Hell, even you girls should be.) And that worked really well most of the time. I mean, I did have issues, got kicked off a lot and issued many an apology via gchat because I missed the rest of what they were saying and can you please resend that last im?

But then gmail and reader decided to no longer work for me which is a huge pain the ass. Especially since I have to email out resumes to get people to realize exactly how awesome I am and to just HIRE ME NOW DAMMIT (interview tomorrow. holler!). Then the connection became even less reliable making it hard take care of other things I need to do like be managing editor for NextGen Chicagonista (adding new writers soon!). Posting pretty things to OHL Shops (award winning blog!). Post things here. Gchat with favorites. READ BLOGS.

Basically my life was in shambles. And still is for a few more days.

It led me to where I am now. At the library. Interneting it up with the unwashed masses. Trying not to stab teenagers in the face for giggling and trying to get boys attention by “whispering”, HEY COME HERE JOHN! Dealing with creepers lurking in the stacks. The occasional person from high school. It’s a mess but it’s five minutes away from my house.

And then, THEN my headphones busted but I still have them in my ears WITH NO MUSIC PLAYING to stop creepers and people I went to high school with from approaching me and it also helps drown out some of the sound from the teenage girls who I might stab.

So yeah, I’m still here and will be as long as I don’t get arrested for shanking someone or spontaneously combusting from Lack of Internet. But I will say, when I get said job and am finally able to get the eff out of the south side, a nearby bar with internet access will be high on my priority list for new apartment. Because it’s a proven fact that creepers are far more pleasant when drunk.

The things I do for the internets…

I’ve never had a huggy, super close relationship with my mom. And I’m perfectly okay with that.

Things have been especially rocky since she decided to spring a divorce on my father out of the blue days after Christmas, while I was out of town and somehow forgot to mention that when she welcomed me back home. Then proceeded to act like everything was fine, ignore what she did and that she didn’t completely throw our family for a loop. She just went on about her business acting like nothing was happening. And when anyone called her out on it, well, we were the selfish ones. Guilt trips and blaming others is her specialty.

Kind of delusional, right?

Then she started to lose weight. Which is great for her because she’s always wanted to. Fine. Whatever. But apparently that made her the expert on all things weight and healthy. And basically ALL SHE TALKS ABOUT. Going shopping with her makes me want to shoot myself in the face. Because she thinks “this is too loose”, “too baggy” and “I think I need a size small” when she clearly doesn’t need a size small. She just wants people to comment about her weight loss. ALL THE TIME. Or like the time she wanted to borrow a dress from me (my mother has never worn dresses. ever). The dress in question was the one I wore to my HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION. What is wrong with this sentence?

MAINLY THAT YOU ARE NOT 17 YEARS OLD.

And then she tries to get me to tell her what size I wear by casually throwing it into conversation. “I got these corduroys. What size do you wear? You should see them.”

1) I do not wear fucking corduroys and 2) SHUT THE FUCK UP.

She feels the need to comment about my weight and what she thinks is subtly commenting on hers and why she is doing amazing and what I should do. She’s been losing weight for all of 5 minutes. That does not make an expert.

For the record, I know I’m enormous right now. I get that. I’ve constantly struggled with my own weight and it yo-yos. Right now, I’m at my highest weight ever and I know I look bad. The past year and a half of my life has been fucked up and it visibly shows. It’s how I reacted to the stress. I don’t need it shoved in my face. It is not a competition.

But I can deal with it in my own and I am taking my own measures to work it out.

And then there is the LET’S HANG OUT stuff. Now all of a sudden when I’m 25 years old, she wants to HANGOUT with me all the time. “What’s new in life, Jame?(not JamIe)” Um, not much.  “I seen a Jillian Michaels Wii game” ….. (well you all know how I feel about Jillian Michaels) “Let’s get wine and drink!” No, I don’t want to get drunk with my mother. “Come over and order pizza”. No, I don’t want to watch you eat one slice of pizza and tell me your full and omg does this top look too big?!

We are not OMG HAAAY GIRLFRIENDs.

I have my own life to deal with. I can’t deal with her midlife crisis too.

And I have a feeling she is living up to those nosy tendencies of hers and reading my blog even though she said she doesn’t/wouldn’t. So if she does, hi mom, welcome to the blog that you shouldn’t be reading.

Curiosity killed the cat.

There isn’t anything in this world that I hate more than driving.

Except maybe that red velvet cupcakes aren’t their own food group, the fact that I’ll never be as adorable as Zooey Deschanel, and that there isn’t a job called Professional Book Reader / Lifetime Movie Watcher / Etsy Addict. Because let’s face it, I’d kill it at that job.

But back to driving.

Chicago drivers are ridiculous. And I always manage to get stuck behind the 90 year old people who shouldn’t be on the road driving 20 miles an hour. Or the dude that is just cruising, taking his damn time bumping music so loud that you can’t even enjoy it. Or the person who is from somewhere like Arkansas or Iowa (I have no idea why I picked those two states, I’m sorry if you are from Arkansas or Iowa) and is so enamored by the BIG TALL BUILDINGS that they are veering slightly off the road. Throw those in with Chicago cab drivers who have death wishes and weave in and out of traffic. And the semi-truck drivers I’m convinced want to kill me.

Then if there is any form of precipitation everyone LOSES THEIR SHIT and completely forgets how to drive (if they even knew how  in the first place). And don’t forget about construction. Traffic cones and gigantor pieces of machinery to dodge now too! It’s kind of like Frogger (minus the logs, turtles and lilypads, of course. But the traffic part, YES).

Don’t get me wrong, there are parts of driving I do like. Driving up Lakeshore Drive listening to good car music (everyone has good car music. Mine is currently: Jets to Brazil) and seeing my skyline in the distance is probably one of the best things ever. And at those moments, I realize how much I love my city.

But when I have to fight traffic and idiot drivers, I lose my patience. And not even Britney can save me at that point. It’s not a pretty sight. Trust.

And don’t get EVEN me started on the undeserved parking tickets.

Clearly, someone needs to invent the Professional Book Reader / Lifetime Movie Watcher / Etsy Addict job so I can get the hell out of the south side, closer to the el and not need a car anymore.

• Shark Week
• adding TW to every word because of Twitter
• Dane Cook
• people who are ALL ABOUT COMMUNICATION and ignore multiple important emails
• possible employers not realizing my absolute awesomeness and just begging me to work for them*
• Chicago weather
• people who treat you like shit then have the balls to ask you for favors
• lying by omission
• why 3oh!3 felt the need to throw Helen Keller into a song that was catchy and fun and ruin it***
• Britney Spears hanging out with Lindsay Lohan again
• puppies who like to jump on your bed after playing in puddles

Feel free to add to the list in the comments.
* Before anyone jumps on me for that statement, I know it doesn’t work that way. Ever heard of a little exaggeration?**
** But for the record? I really am effing awesome so shut it.
***I’m not saying they are musical geniuses, it’s just a fun song. Okay, music snobs?

Things you should not do:

• wake me up at 6:30 to borrow my cell phone for a phone call you don’t even make
• vacuum downstairs before 7AM
• be my neighbor who decided to pull out fence posts with his Jeep and repeated hit the gas trying to get said fence post out at 6:30AM.
• let your yappy dogs outside at 5AM so they can bark nonstop outside your neighbor’s (MY) window for an hour.

The past two days have been like this. I was woken up way too early by ridiculous things that were not necessary when I didn’t have to be up for a few more hours.

I really enjoy my sleep. I need sleep or I’m a complete bitch. It’s true. And once I’m up, I’m up. I can’t fall back asleep. So not enough sleep, of course, doesn’t start my day off right and then if I have to deal with bullshit all day?

Let’s just say Jamie hasn’t been so lovely this week.

The chipper and happy people who are bright eyed and bushy tailed at 7AM need to just stop or keep that nonsense far away from me. I’m thrilled you’re a morning person but I would be more thrilled if you stayed away from me. I do not want to talk to you about your new project or that new dress you bought on sale before 9AM. Once I’m fully awake, I’m more than happy to talk about your cat, Fluffy, and your dinner plans.

(And there is the revving of the engine again. Dude, you’ve been trying to get the post out for two hours, the effing fence post is not coming out!)

So for the record:  you shouldn’t talk to me until I’m fully awake because you will either 1) be completely ignored or 2) more than likely be dead and buried by a murderous look and a “seriously?”.

Obviously, there are exceptions to this rule though.

Like this weekend, I’ll be at BlogHer. So many friends and people I want to meet will be there and there will definitely not be enough time to do it all so I will be squeezing as much in as possible. So don’t worry BlogHer roomies, I’ll be in the best mood ever this weekend.

And probably more than slightly drunk.

I really wish I liked sushi.

And coffee.

But for some reason, I just can’t do it. It would be great if magically did one day.

When sushi is suggested, I’m all how about something that is a little more well done and wasn’t just flopping around in water? I just can’t do the raw thing.

Speaking of raw food, I was watching Wife Swap the other day. (Ya, ya, guilty pleasure. Shut it) So these two moms switched lives and one of the families was on an all raw diet. Not just veggies and all that but raw meats too. Like they ate raw chicken and beef! I kind threw up in my mouth a little.

Yeah, so back to sushi. It’s pretty. But I’d be the girl who ruins your sushi night out. I’m the sushi buzz kill.

I apologize in advance.

Then there is coffee. How convenient would it be if I just liked coffee? I need caffeine though so I go with pop. But there is a hell of a lot more calories and sugar in a can of Pepsi than there is in a cup of coffee. That alone is a great reason to suck it up and drink it.

But no, instead I’m the weirdo drinking pop at 10AM to wake the hell up!

Then there is the coffee dates, coffee runs and business meetings over coffee. I’m totally missing out here. Coffee causes some serious bonding and here I am all coffee and bond-less and running to a vending machine to get my fix instead.

And seriously, how professional would it be to be like on a business meeting and they are all oh, what can I get you? And I’m all a small hot chocolate. And they are like DUH, we don’t have small. We only have TALL or VENTI and I’m like JUST GIVE ME THE SMALLEST EFFING HOT CHOCOLATE BECAUSE I’M A 7 YEAR OLD.*** I DON’T SPEAK YOUR LANGUAGE, SNOOTY BARISTA!

Yeah, that would make me really look awesome.

Maybe I still need to find my mocha frou frou drink. You know the kind that is basically all sugar, artificial flavors and whip cream and they just say coffee is in it but it is really just crack. Why else would you spend $5 on a latte everyday?****

* sorry to any of your raw meat eaters out there, I still love you but cook your food so you don’t get salmonella** and die
** I don’t know if samonella is what you get from eating raw meat so I googled, “dying from raw meat” and I guess you get parasites and that’s fucking sick
*** I was going to say 12 at first but there are totally 12 year olds who drink Starbucks Wandering around with their Ugg boots and mini skirts. Even THEY drink coffee.
**** CRACK.

I’ve decided to participate in the 20SB Looking Back Blog Carnival this time around. Why? Mainly because they are giving away free ice cream but also because it’s funny to see myself when I first started blogging on OHL. I was a Judgey McJudgerson back then and really nothing has changed!

Here’s one of my first entries. It can be found here.

***

I was having a discussion with my sister about things that should be illegal in regards to fashion. I’m talking huge don’ts. I consider these major fashion offense. Please feel free to add your own fashion don’ts or to contest my own rules.

1. Crocs. Are you a doctor? Are you on your feet all day that you need to wear shoes made out of foam? Yes, I am sure they are comfy but who honestly walks into a store and says, “Oh wow! Look at the those cute shoes!”. No, I really doubt you do. They are not cute. Not even a little bit. Please stop wearing them.

2. Logo tees, all over print and saying tees. Shirts that scream a brand name are not necessary. There are much more fun things to buy that don’t literally brand you. All over print was cool like 2 years ago. Now you can throw anything all over a hoodie and people with buy it. Tees with sayings on them, yeah, not witty or funny. If you need your shirt to be funny to get attention, that does not say much for your glowing personality.

3. Victoria Secret PINK. Not so much the items, more the girls who decide to wear a full on PINK sweat suit. PINK sweat suit because are too lazy to get a regular outfit on, but still have enough time to do their hair and cake on the make up. I have to admit, I do own PINK items but I most definitely DO NOT wear them out in public to the mall or to school. I really just like the little dog, to be honest.

4. Fake designer handbags. I know some handbags are ridiculously priced. Not everyone can afford a $1200 bag, I know I can’t. But if just HAVE to buy a fake bag, please at least let it be a good fake. And don’t wear your replica Stam with your ratty tee shirt or sweatpants. It just makes it all the more unbelievable.

5. Ugg boots. Ugg boots are practical if you live somewhere it gets cold. Wearing Uggs with your denim mini is just ridiculous. Throw leggings on under the mini and you will make me flinch.

6. This is the most important rule of all. Listen closely. LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS. No, I’m sorry, they are not pants. Leggings under skirts or dresses are also not cute but not as bad. Big shirts and leggings are gross. Metallic leggings, print leggings, latex looking leggings, lace bottomed leggings, THEY ARE NOT PANTS. THEY WILL NEVER BE PANTS. STOP WEARING THEM AS PANTS.

Linds, take note. Leggings = not pants.

Don’t you hate when you love a song or album so much and then it just gets played to hell on the radio?

Then you change the station and it’s the same song on that station too?

To the point where you are like ready to rip your hair out again if you just hear the beginning of a song?

I mean, I love Lady Gaga. I’ve been all about her since October or whenever The Fame came out. It’s my go-to album in the car!

Yeah, some people might compare her to a busted Christina Aguilera but whatever Christina isn’t looking so hot herself these days.

Okay, maybe carrying around tea cup and wearing John Lennon-ish glasses is a little odd.

And yes, we all know she doesn’t wear pants often but if I had an ass like that I’d say fuck pants too.

(Whatever she is a fierce bitch so haters to the left.)

But seriously, if I hear Poker Face one more time, I will cut someone.

CUT

SOMEONE

.

Don’t ruin the rest of the album for me, guys. I know it’s bound to happen but still. Go play Flo Rida, Blame It on the Alcohol or some other reject song again because in a few months everyone will forget about those and be all about some new Lil Wayne joint that sucks just as much.

Just lay off the Gaga because your killing it.

And me.

(In case I die, Tia, you can have my blog.)

(but don’t play Poker Face on purpose so you can have it because I will come back and haunt you all)

Yesterday was suppose to be divorce day for my parents. My father was all ready to sign and be done with my mother but then she turned around and decided she wasn’t taking enough. She needed more money – a bigger cut of the house, more pension than she was already getting and now some of his deferred comp. Just when we thought everything was good, she throws a big curve ball and makes everything worse. Things were starting to settle down and we were all being cordial. Even me. I know, me talking to my mother some is a big step considering I hadn’t spoke to her since January.

Then she goes and does this. It just pisses me off.

So it seems we are back at the drawing board. I really wish this was done and over.  She doesn’t realize what she is doing to the rest of us. I’m the oldest. I feel like I should be taking care of my brother and sister. My brother is dealing horribly with all this and no one can give him the answers he wants because we don’t know what my mother is planning next. My sister is packing up and moving to Pittsburgh for school in a few weeks and she has to leave with all this still going on. I being the big sister, who feels like she is suppose to take care of everyone, can do nothing to fix this. The stress makes me feel like I’m being eaten alive.

Feeling powerless is one of the worst things ever.

Getting parking tickets sucks. 12 hour days. Getting hours cut sucks too. Having your whole day thrown off sucks as well. Not being able to blog or catch up on your reader sucks. I need a nap.

This entry kind of sucks as well.

Your turn.

This is the official whiny-complain-ranty-things-that-effin-suck post.

Go for it.