You know how when you just aren’t feeling your best? Not even in a body image or mental state kind of way. Just your body doesn’t feel good?

I’m there right now.

I haven’t been treating my body too well lately. I’ve been blaming it on being unhappy and just sulking. The eating, the lack of exercise, the junk food. I’ve been stagnant for way too long. I don’t get up and move around as much. I’m not chasing after kids I nanny or walking around downtown or anything like that anymore. And it’s really taking a toll on me.

Physically, emotionally and mentally. It’s obvious to anyone who knows me and sees me every now and then, that I’ve gained a lot of weight.

But weight being besides the point, I need to start treating my body better. When I eat fresh food and more lean protein, I feel good. I’m not sluggish and feeling crappy then. Which is how I feel right now.

So I’m going to start being better. And not just in a vanity kind of way. Just a healthier in general kind of way.

Grocery shopping for healthier food, cooking, not eating out, more walks and even the stupid 30 Day Shred.

I need to start physically feeling good. I need to catch up to my emotional state which is getting way better. I’m embracing “I’m Awesome, Fuck Everyone Who Doesn’t Realize That” mindset.

Although I definitely wouldn’t mind lose some of this weight while doing the get healthy thing.

I know weight and body image is something I constantly address and I’m not very good at doing much about it. I use to be so good. I need to get back to that state of mind.

I don’t plan on making another “time to start losing weight/getting healthy” type post.

This is it.

There will be no more false starts.

This is it.

Two years ago today, I wrote my first entry on this blog. And for some reason, people still keep reading it!

Sometimes I feel like I’ve had this site forever and then sometimes it’s like really, I swear I just made this silly thing.

But what I’m sure about it is that this little piece of the internet helped shape me in a way I never thought possible. I didn’t start out trying to find myself, career directions or best friends but here I am.

I definitely haven’t found myself yet. This year threw me in quite a bit of a tailspin and I’m working on the transition of ME from US. When you’re an US for so long, you lose yourself a little bit. I’ve been trying to find me again and it’s hard but I’m trying.

Career wise, I’m getting there. I figure I know which direction I’d like to go in now compared to shying away from conversations asking what I went to school for or where I am working. I have a practical experience in social media from my blogs to my communities and I guess now it’s time to settle down and get the background education to go with it. I figure once that happens, I can officially own the internet and everyone will bow down before me. I’ll be like the Voldy of the internetz and crucio all the Mudbloods (newbs) who post ridiculous shit in my forums.

Just kidding. Damn. Don’t get your internet panties all in a twist!

(Also, that just got crazy HP nerdy right there. I apologize.)

(HAH. No, I don’t. CRUCIO.)

ANYWAY.

I’ve met a lot of bloggers this past year especially with Vegas and BlogHer. Many of whom, I met for the first time, but felt like I’ve known them forever. It was kind of like, “Hi. Just meeting you for the first time in person but tell me how is blah blah blah”. You just fall in step because you know them and they know you. And that is probably the best part of this whole thing.

When people say, oh hey, yay blogger meet up! I’m all, yay hanging out with FRIENDS! Like the whole past week: wine party, dinner with Lacey and Nicole, Chicagonista writer meeting. Not blogger activities to me. Yeah, we may have met through our blogs but I don’t think of them as bloggers anymore. It’s just friends. And I’ve met some pretty amazing ones.

Year two of Oh! How Lovely broken down:

Heartbreak. New friends. Vegas, baby! RPattz and ASkars. It’s Britney, bitch! Puppy birthday. Wine shots. Launching a newspaper. Leaving the newspaper! Nintendo parties. Bangs. Unemployment. Almost wearing leggings in front of Tim Gunn. Meeting the love of my life. Working for crazy people. Cheeseburger parties. Reading through the Chicago Public Library. Developing an obsession with Lifetime. Cheesecake dates. Adorable little French girls. Getting my first official pedicure. The fourth anniversary of my 21st birthday. Friends or Seinfeld? Getting ready to launch the newest Chicago website.

Someone give us a birthday tiara. I still don’t do party hats.

And year three?

Bring it.

When I think back over the past few years, so many of my favorite memories are linked to music in some way.

My first and only year in the dorms, Story of the Year and 50 Cent. No joke. Pop punk and rap music were the soundtrack to our Thirsty Thursday. So college, it hurts.

Inking a dove on my shoulder when I turned 18. It happens to be a band logo as well but it means so much more.

There were many trips to various venues, my favorites being the beat up bowling alley on Fullerton whose bathroom stalls never locked and the lounge underneath the Belmont red line with Philly’s Best across the street that we would stumble in exhausted and sweaty, absolutely beat (literally) from the show ready for some pizza.

Being stuffed into a teeny tiny cafe listening to some stupid local grind band with the windows fogged up and kids pouring outside. Traffic often stopped to see what the hell was going on in the little coffee shop. But the bad music and the crowded spaces didn’t matter, it was all about who I was hanging out with.

Since I had an SUV, I was often the designated roadie for local bands I actually liked. I didn’t mind because I was probably going there anyway. Big huge cabs and bass guitars were often a staple in my car on weekends. The music that flowed from it was all that mattered.

Milwaukee. Some of the best bands came from there and since Chicago was so close, there were many road trips. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve seen sincebyman or even the things I would do to their lead singer but they were the best of Milwaukee hardcore.

Seeing the last show ever by Engine Down with Bella Lea. Lying in the middle of Grant Park on a blanket, head rested on his chest listening to Death Cab for Cutie. Being completely immersed in the beauty of Blonde Redhead when the girl in front of you stiffens, eyes roll back and she hits the floor with such a thud, you were sure her skull cracked open. She only fainted but it sure scared the hell out of me. I probably never would have forgotten that show but she forever cemented it in my mind. Another year at Lollapalooza, this time lying on the outskirts of a sea of people. Blanket spread out, eyes closed and soaking up all that Radiohead had to offer. It was like magic.

Packed in a sweaty, old man bar in Boystown while friends throw out mashup after mashup at the crowd getting out of the hood. Hanging out in various clubs and lounges and just being there for support. Lying on the couch listening to the scratch of records while he brushes up his skills. Occasionally, he throws in a silly song he would never play in the club just because he knows it will make me smile.

Right now? I’m listening to music that makes me think of better days. I’m pouring through 2003. There is nothing like pop punk when you’re not feeling your best.

Have you ever been in the middle of it all for one of your favorite bands?

There is nothing like it.

The pushing, the shoving, the screaming, the dancing. It brings out passion, fear, all kinds of emotion and pumps you so full of adrenaline. It’s just an amazing high.

I need more of that feeling right now.

I thought a one week break from this might help me clear my head. God knows I need a break from all the thoughts running around my head.

But I guess it didn’t work.

This blog is only a small part of me. I don’t share everything and put it all out there. I have a lot on my mind and I don’t think the internet needs to see it right now.  I’d rather my nervous breakdown be a little less public.

jk, I’m not having a nervous breakdown.

(Yet.)

So the words might be sparse for awhile until I get my shit together. They might not. I don’t know.

I just need to feel in control again and I’m going to do whatever it takes to get that back.

(Send wine, plz.)

On paper, that is.

When I feel like things are getting a little crazy in my life, I always feel better if I write things down. I’m a fan of lists and planners and all that good stuff.

I think of myself as pretty tech savvy and on my gadget game and I love my iPhone and iCal. But it just doesn’t have the same effect for me.

I like having things spread out in front of me. Seeing my month/week/day on paper. Being able to take notes. Crossing things off. Physically being able to take a pen to things and check it off. There is so much more satisfaction in it than just clicking delete.

In my book, nothing beats a good organizer.

I’ve been depending on my iPhone too much and just haven’t been feeling as put together as I would like. I think I’ll feel better once I have my shit together in front of me and not just on a screen. It might be kind of silly but it works for me.

So right now, I’m currently looking for the refill for my adorable Angela Adams organizer.  But a refill seems impossible to find so I might have to find another. It’s hard to find the perfect one! If anyone has any suggestions, let me know.

Getting my life together one step at a time.

Let’s do it.

(edited to add)

I would not object to one of these Erin Condren planners magically showing up on my door. It’s seems like the perfect planner but as an jobless bum, I don’t think I could justify it!

This whole unemployment thing sucks as I’ve said many, many times before. But in a way it’s good for me.

And no, I don’t mean in the reading through the Chicago Public Library system in one summer kind of way.

It’s taught me a very important lesson.

I still don’t have it figured all out. I doubt I ever will have it all figured out. But I am learning a lot about myself right now. I’m learning what I want. What I don’t want. And more importantly what I deserve.

Yes, I may have a couple things against me. The lack of degree may be a bright red flag to some employers. And yeah, maybe I don’t have the professional experience that some might require.

But I have so much more to offer. I have first hand experience. I’m a writer. I do outreach. I build community.

And I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know it all. But I want to learn. I want to do it all. I’m not afraid to jump right in to something. And maybe I might fail at first, but the next time around, I know exactly what I’ll do to change. I love a good challenge.

Most importantly, I’ve learned it’s okay to say no.

Being unemployed leaves me with a sense of urgency, sometimes even desperation. Obviously, money is a stressful thing. When you don’t have anything coming in and the bills are piling up, it’s a horrible feeling. Feeling like you’re never going to get ahead again.

For a while I was willing to take anything that came my way. I was ready to do the retail thing or get back with the nanny thing or just take any job. Who cares what, as long as it paid.

I’ve realized that it doesn’t have to be like that. I would much rather hold out a little longer searching for the right thing for me. A job that will push me. A job that has faith in my abilities. A job that has me so excited to get to the office or to my computer. A job where I have a voice. A job where people respect me and appreciate the work I do.

The perfect job might not exist. It’s not going to be all sunshine and roses, I know that. But I’ve learned in the past few months that there is nothing wrong with turning down an offer that just isn’t right. And I have a few times. It’s alright to say “no, thank you”. I know what I’m worth and what I want.

And I’m not planning on settling any time soon.

I should have just rescheduled.

But I was stuck in traffic and running late so I missed my regular stylist. I could either wait another couple of weeks or see someone else.

Guess which one I did?

NEVER SEE SOMEONE ELSE.

Little bit of a back story: I keep my hair long. Very long, usually about mid-back or longer.

I’ve been told I have great hair so I’ve taken that and ran with it. And I think I do (when I put the effort in to making it look good instead of wrapping it up in a bun on top of my head).

So it’s kind of a security blanket for me. Maybe if people think I have pretty hair they won’t see the rest of me. The rest of me that I’m so uncomfortable with.

Chances are if you see me, I’m probably wrapping my hair around my fingers or fiddling with it one way or another. It’s what I do when I’m anxious or have something on my mind. Like I said – security blanket.

Anyway, I seen someone else. And now my hair is short. Anyone who sees me, will think I’m crazy for saying it’s short. It’s just past shoulder length.

But for me?

That’s short.

I can barely pull it in a bun without it sticking out everywhere. My pony tail is so short. It doesn’t feel right when twirling. It slips through my fingers too fast.

I feel kind of naked. And I don’t like it.

Moral of this story is: if there is bad mojo flying around on hair cut day?

ALWAYS RESCHEDULE.

Things you should not do:

• wake me up at 6:30 to borrow my cell phone for a phone call you don’t even make
• vacuum downstairs before 7AM
• be my neighbor who decided to pull out fence posts with his Jeep and repeated hit the gas trying to get said fence post out at 6:30AM.
• let your yappy dogs outside at 5AM so they can bark nonstop outside your neighbor’s (MY) window for an hour.

The past two days have been like this. I was woken up way too early by ridiculous things that were not necessary when I didn’t have to be up for a few more hours.

I really enjoy my sleep. I need sleep or I’m a complete bitch. It’s true. And once I’m up, I’m up. I can’t fall back asleep. So not enough sleep, of course, doesn’t start my day off right and then if I have to deal with bullshit all day?

Let’s just say Jamie hasn’t been so lovely this week.

The chipper and happy people who are bright eyed and bushy tailed at 7AM need to just stop or keep that nonsense far away from me. I’m thrilled you’re a morning person but I would be more thrilled if you stayed away from me. I do not want to talk to you about your new project or that new dress you bought on sale before 9AM. Once I’m fully awake, I’m more than happy to talk about your cat, Fluffy, and your dinner plans.

(And there is the revving of the engine again. Dude, you’ve been trying to get the post out for two hours, the effing fence post is not coming out!)

So for the record:  you shouldn’t talk to me until I’m fully awake because you will either 1) be completely ignored or 2) more than likely be dead and buried by a murderous look and a “seriously?”.

Obviously, there are exceptions to this rule though.

Like this weekend, I’ll be at BlogHer. So many friends and people I want to meet will be there and there will definitely not be enough time to do it all so I will be squeezing as much in as possible. So don’t worry BlogHer roomies, I’ll be in the best mood ever this weekend.

And probably more than slightly drunk.

I really wish I liked sushi.

And coffee.

But for some reason, I just can’t do it. It would be great if magically did one day.

When sushi is suggested, I’m all how about something that is a little more well done and wasn’t just flopping around in water? I just can’t do the raw thing.

Speaking of raw food, I was watching Wife Swap the other day. (Ya, ya, guilty pleasure. Shut it) So these two moms switched lives and one of the families was on an all raw diet. Not just veggies and all that but raw meats too. Like they ate raw chicken and beef! I kind threw up in my mouth a little.

Yeah, so back to sushi. It’s pretty. But I’d be the girl who ruins your sushi night out. I’m the sushi buzz kill.

I apologize in advance.

Then there is coffee. How convenient would it be if I just liked coffee? I need caffeine though so I go with pop. But there is a hell of a lot more calories and sugar in a can of Pepsi than there is in a cup of coffee. That alone is a great reason to suck it up and drink it.

But no, instead I’m the weirdo drinking pop at 10AM to wake the hell up!

Then there is the coffee dates, coffee runs and business meetings over coffee. I’m totally missing out here. Coffee causes some serious bonding and here I am all coffee and bond-less and running to a vending machine to get my fix instead.

And seriously, how professional would it be to be like on a business meeting and they are all oh, what can I get you? And I’m all a small hot chocolate. And they are like DUH, we don’t have small. We only have TALL or VENTI and I’m like JUST GIVE ME THE SMALLEST EFFING HOT CHOCOLATE BECAUSE I’M A 7 YEAR OLD.*** I DON’T SPEAK YOUR LANGUAGE, SNOOTY BARISTA!

Yeah, that would make me really look awesome.

Maybe I still need to find my mocha frou frou drink. You know the kind that is basically all sugar, artificial flavors and whip cream and they just say coffee is in it but it is really just crack. Why else would you spend $5 on a latte everyday?****

* sorry to any of your raw meat eaters out there, I still love you but cook your food so you don’t get salmonella** and die
** I don’t know if samonella is what you get from eating raw meat so I googled, “dying from raw meat” and I guess you get parasites and that’s fucking sick
*** I was going to say 12 at first but there are totally 12 year olds who drink Starbucks Wandering around with their Ugg boots and mini skirts. Even THEY drink coffee.
**** CRACK.

Love lists seem to be going around again. I couldn’t help myself because I’m feeling quite optimistic today.

I love –

Great hair days. Las Vegas. Library books. Ordering in. Perfect 75 degree Chicago days. Having a dj at my disposal who plays silly poppy songs for me that he wouldn’t play in the club. Wine tastings with my favorite girls. Ryan Leslie’s music. Meeting old friends for the first time. Polka dotted flats. Ice cream sundaes. Pedicures. Friends who look out for you.

BlogHer in a few weeks. Summer mix cds. Brand new notebooks. Puppies named Edie. Gchat convos with my Vegas people. The Beatles. Chick lit. Real lit. Pretending I’m a foodie. Finding the perfect shampoo and conditioner combination for my hair. Mac and cheese. Sitting down to write and the words just flow. Movie nights.

Swirlz cupcakes. Getting a tan. Super cold Pepsi. Honesty. Rereading favorite books. My iPhone. Greek. Ideas for days. Puppy swimming pools. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.  Discovering you and your friend could have had the same prom dress. My hot pink MacBook. Having options.

What’s is one thing you are loving lately?