I’ve never had a huggy, super close relationship with my mom. And I’m perfectly okay with that.

Things have been especially rocky since she decided to spring a divorce on my father out of the blue days after Christmas, while I was out of town and somehow forgot to mention that when she welcomed me back home. Then proceeded to act like everything was fine, ignore what she did and that she didn’t completely throw our family for a loop. She just went on about her business acting like nothing was happening. And when anyone called her out on it, well, we were the selfish ones. Guilt trips and blaming others is her specialty.

Kind of delusional, right?

Then she started to lose weight. Which is great for her because she’s always wanted to. Fine. Whatever. But apparently that made her the expert on all things weight and healthy. And basically ALL SHE TALKS ABOUT. Going shopping with her makes me want to shoot myself in the face. Because she thinks “this is too loose”, “too baggy” and “I think I need a size small” when she clearly doesn’t need a size small. She just wants people to comment about her weight loss. ALL THE TIME. Or like the time she wanted to borrow a dress from me (my mother has never worn dresses. ever). The dress in question was the one I wore to my HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION. What is wrong with this sentence?

MAINLY THAT YOU ARE NOT 17 YEARS OLD.

And then she tries to get me to tell her what size I wear by casually throwing it into conversation. “I got these corduroys. What size do you wear? You should see them.”

1) I do not wear fucking corduroys and 2) SHUT THE FUCK UP.

She feels the need to comment about my weight and what she thinks is subtly commenting on hers and why she is doing amazing and what I should do. She’s been losing weight for all of 5 minutes. That does not make an expert.

For the record, I know I’m enormous right now. I get that. I’ve constantly struggled with my own weight and it yo-yos. Right now, I’m at my highest weight ever and I know I look bad. The past year and a half of my life has been fucked up and it visibly shows. It’s how I reacted to the stress. I don’t need it shoved in my face. It is not a competition.

But I can deal with it in my own and I am taking my own measures to work it out.

And then there is the LET’S HANG OUT stuff. Now all of a sudden when I’m 25 years old, she wants to HANGOUT with me all the time. “What’s new in life, Jame?(not JamIe)” Um, not much.  “I seen a Jillian Michaels Wii game” ….. (well you all know how I feel about Jillian Michaels) “Let’s get wine and drink!” No, I don’t want to get drunk with my mother. “Come over and order pizza”. No, I don’t want to watch you eat one slice of pizza and tell me your full and omg does this top look too big?!

We are not OMG HAAAY GIRLFRIENDs.

I have my own life to deal with. I can’t deal with her midlife crisis too.

And I have a feeling she is living up to those nosy tendencies of hers and reading my blog even though she said she doesn’t/wouldn’t. So if she does, hi mom, welcome to the blog that you shouldn’t be reading.

Curiosity killed the cat.

You know what bothers me?

Family.

Not just my immediate family…. the whoooooole family.

Why all of a sudden do they have to be all hip with the times and discover the internet?

It was bad when Myspace was at the peak of it’s annoyance and they decided to OMG! FRIEND ME! and leave me blinkey, glitter gifs of an angel with devil horns that say, “MUCH LUV 4 MY CUZ!” on my comments page.

I mean Myspace wasn’t so bad since I logged in every three months so I could basically ignore most of it and still let them feel “connected”.

But now they are moving on to Facebook. Seriously. I’ve dodged quite a few family friendship requests. My internet presence is splattered way too much over my Facebook profile and I’d rather them not be that involved. My big ass Mexican family is way too nosy and too gossipy and will be all up in my shit.

I know all they have to do is google me to find this blog, I’m sure, but I’m hoping they still haven’t figured out googling people. You never know, I mean they did join Myspace like 37 years too late.

Does this make me a bad a person?

I guess I could do limited profiles for certain people but I think that’s a pain in the ass to set up. I have better things to do than to fuss with that. You know, like read through the whole Chicago Public Library (hi, two books in a day and a half).

But the day my third cousin once removed’s aunt’s daughter follows me on Twitter, I’m breaking the internet and only allowing limited access to people.

THE WHOLE INTERNET.

So be nice and stay away from my social media, family, or I’ll take your internet away.

For good.

It was the summer before eighth grade. I remember the morning well. It was early, about 8AM and I was just about ready to get into the shower and was walking into the bathroom. Out of nowhere I hear my dad screaming from the basement to get out of the house. He yelled that it was on fire and we needed to get out now.

I grabbed my little dog, rounded together my brother and sister and rushed out front. I ran to my best friend’s two houses down and pounded on the their screen door for them to call 911. This was back in the days of dial-up and my best friend had been on the internet so her mom was screaming at her to get off the damn computer so she can make the call. My dad had brought my other dog, Leo, from the backyard to go into theirs with their dog, Toto. He was a corgi now that I think about it, I haven’t thought about that dog in ages.

The few hours after that were kind of a blur. I remember two fire engines showing up. My uncle on one of them. Later I seen him on my roof, cutting holes into it so the smoke would come out. Everyone was gathered around like it was some kind of spectacle, eyes wide staring at us because we were crying or in shock waiting to see how we would react. My mother’s boss drove her home from work as soon as she heard the new and she ran out of the car in disbelief. It was our home.

Now it was gone.

Once the house was declared stable, we were able to go in and see if anything was salvageable. I remember walking into my room, my posters of my latest boy crush from the pages of Teen Beat or BOP were just remnants and ashes. My vanity given to me by my cousin was now smashed to pieces. My Tigger backpack that was the coolest thing in school was toast. I’d no longer match with my best friends. Stuffed animals were strewn across the room. I rescued all my old Sesame Street ones and Red the Fraggle. I still have them today in a box in my closet. The scent of smoke still lingers on them.

Earlier this weekend, I drove past a house that had a bonfire going outside. All these memories and smells and sounds came rushing back and everything replayed in my head so vividly.  I often wonder if the smell of something burning will always me anxious. If ambulances and firetrucks on my block will always make me nervous and if the sound of sirens near by will always make my heart race.

Sometimes I wish it would just go away. But after that happened, it was one of the only times I ever felt like my family was truly that.

A family.

I think I’d like to hold on to that feeling.

For a little longer at least.

Yes, I know this post doesn’t make much sense. It’s rambling, long winded and redundant. Whatever. I needed a rant. Also, you may find this annoying or full of complaints so don’t read it.

***

I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed lately. My family life at home is just exactly like this title.

It’s TOXIC.

This whole year has been so fucked up. Days after Christmas of last year, my mother dropped the divorce bomb out of nowhere. The divorce was final days before my birthday but guess what? She is still here.eeee

She is still fucking living here and my dad is too nice to say, “You broke us. Why the fuck are you still here?”

Instead he sits quietly while she parades around like nothing has ever happened. The divorce that she never wanted her children to know about happened. She’s home free. She didn’t want anymore responsibilities but for some reason she is still here. It’s just beyond me.

Everything is not okay.

We are not okay.

There is nothing but financial troubles, drama and tension.

My mother is so completely self absorbed since this all happened. She’s started getting her hair and nails done every few weeks. Buys all kinds of fancy ass body products. She think since she lots a few pounds she can dress like a teenager. I wouldn’t even wear this shit and I’m 24! It’s all about her. She only cares about things that affect her. If it doesn’t somehow lead back to her, she “can’t even worry about that right now”. Groceries, lending your kids $20 bucks, making an appointment for this or that for someone else? No chance in hell.

Then we have my dad. He has dealt with depression for as long as I can remember so this past year has just thrown him into a tailspin. Now he has started “dating”. Internet dating sites and myspace. Five days of talking to someone online and one date in person and he’s in love. Ready to take her to meet his mother! Meet the whole family! Bring her to my house that my mother, his ex-wife, is still currently inhabiting.

Yeah, that’s fucking genius!

My brother is mad at the fucking world. The sister is in another state and is practically oblivious to all that’s going on.

Not having a stable home life has really screwed me up. I have no one to depend on here. No one to lean on. Yeah, I’m a big girl and I’m pretty independant but you should be able to count on your family when you need them.

I feel like I’ve cried more this year, than I have in my entire life. It’s always something with them. I’ve never felt more frustrated, angry and confused. I work myself up into these emotional messes where I just end up breaking down in tears and sometimes I don’t even know why I’m crying. I’m stressed and need a break. I just can’t do this anymore. I feel like I’m just a mess mentally and physically. It’s a horrible feeling.

I’m at the point where I feel I should just look for a full time job so I can afford to just get out of this house. I can’t be here anymore. I’ll go to night school.

I really don’t think I can take much more.

2008 needs to be over.

ETA: Right now, I’m just talking about not being able to depend on family. I know I have friends and I have the most amazing boyfriend who is there for me all the time. It’s just hard realizing the people who are always suppose to be there for you, are too wrapped up in themselves to care. And yes, I’ve talked to them. According to them, it seems I’m the irrational and selfish one so yeah…

My sister, Sara, goes to school for special effects makeup. You know like gore, zombies, fake blood, as well as learning other makeup techniques, sculpting and all kinds of other crazy stuff. Her most recently project was to make something out of food. She made a heart out of Starbursts, the candy! It was my idea because I’m kind of obsessed with Starbursts but it came out pretty fantastic.

I just helped my sister finish setting up her blog yesterday. She’s going to be adding pictures of all the work she has done so far in school and continue to add more as she progresses. There are some photos up now though!

Sara’s blog: Back from the Dead

Go check out her blog and leave her some love. I’m sure she’d love a welcome to the blogosphere!

Or follow her on twitter @saratheterra

Tents? Sleeping bags? Icky bugs? Cooking food over the fire? Being handed a roll of toilet paper and pointed to the woods? Jamie doesn’t fuck with that.

Pop up campers. People who come by and light the fire for you. Swimming pools. Actual bathrooms.  Yes yes yes and yes. Jamie likes. Also, know as sissy camping.

Well not so much anymore. I haven’t been “camping” in ages. When I was younger we would pack up our little Voyager mini van and pop up camper and hit the road. We were off! Off to Chesterton, Indiana? I know, I know, camping in Indiana? There was a campground called Sand Creek, that my family would go to all the time when we were younger

We’d drive up, stop in the store/office and get our little plot of camping space and get settled in. Of course, after we got the camper set up, we’d make a run to the nearest grocery store to stock up on food. Food that we would cook on our little stove. Inside our camper. I’d get some marshmallows and some chocolate bars to get the real feeling that I’m camping. I was totally justifying my fake camping, even at age 7 by making s’mores on the fire, even though someone from the campground would come by and light our fire at night.

Whatever, I’m camping, give me my s’mores!

Also, in the wilderness that was our campground, there was a game room with vending machines and PACMAN, a store full stocked with anything you might need while “camping”. There was a swimming pool, naturally. Attached to the pool were showers and bathrooms. Don’t forget about mini golf, duh. What would camping be without mini golf? NOTHING. Then of course, if we were feeling extra rugged that night, a hayride. A tractor with a trailer filled with bales of hay for you to sit on and drive through the campground, taking in all the sights.

I mean, I guess there were people that went into the woods to do “real” camping but how real is it if you have all the aforementioned things at your disposal? So I guess that means there are three kinds of camping – real camping, sissy camping and then “real” sissy camping. In “real” sissy camping, all you get is a tent and a sleeping bag but it’s still in the camp ground with the rest of us sissys.

Fake vacations and sissy camping.

That’s just how we rolled here at the House of Lovely.

I never really had lots of close friends. I’m a little guarded, I guess you can say. I’m okay with that. Although, sometimes I do wish I had a close knit group of girlfriends ala Sex and the City. Maybe that is probably just because I have been nothing but that for the past two-ish weeks. (yeah, I totally finished the whole thing yesterday!)

Anyway, today one of my best friends leaves for school for 18 months. My sister. She will be attending a school for make up and special effects just outside Pittsburgh. Any blog friends out that way? You should take care of my little sister.

We will be visiting soon.

Yesterday was suppose to be divorce day for my parents. My father was all ready to sign and be done with my mother but then she turned around and decided she wasn’t taking enough. She needed more money – a bigger cut of the house, more pension than she was already getting and now some of his deferred comp. Just when we thought everything was good, she throws a big curve ball and makes everything worse. Things were starting to settle down and we were all being cordial. Even me. I know, me talking to my mother some is a big step considering I hadn’t spoke to her since January.

Then she goes and does this. It just pisses me off.

So it seems we are back at the drawing board. I really wish this was done and over.  She doesn’t realize what she is doing to the rest of us. I’m the oldest. I feel like I should be taking care of my brother and sister. My brother is dealing horribly with all this and no one can give him the answers he wants because we don’t know what my mother is planning next. My sister is packing up and moving to Pittsburgh for school in a few weeks and she has to leave with all this still going on. I being the big sister, who feels like she is suppose to take care of everyone, can do nothing to fix this. The stress makes me feel like I’m being eaten alive.

Feeling powerless is one of the worst things ever.

I’ve refrained from talking about current parental situation because I get so worked up when I talk about it, it just leaves me raging. After this past weekend, I think it’s time to let a little more out and vent. I have barely spoke more than a few sentences to my mother since she announced that she wants a divorce at the end of December. I’m perfectly fine with that too. I feel like she is being childish, selfish and incredibly greedy, as does the rest of my family. They will speak to her, but I can’t because if I do, it just won’t be pretty and I would end up exploding in a fit of anger. Seriously, I would probably combust.

I basically go out of my way to avoid her. It’s hard when you live in the same house but I do my best. Saturday I came home with ice cream for my brother and dad and she asks where her’s is. I tell I didn’t get her any and walk downstairs. She comes bursting downstairs with a stupid fucking Joker-looking smile on her face, trying to get me riled up and start a fight with me. Now really, I don’t speak to you at all, why would I bring you ice cream? Don’t come downstairs and provoke me. Of course, you can probably see the steam coming out of my ears but I hold back. I’m really not trying to make this harder on my father. She tells me I have an attitude and I need to stop before I do something I am going to regret. SERIOUSLY.

Okay, I am not regretting anything and won’t because I am not the one acting like a child. I have no intentions of having anything to do with her until she realizes what she is doing and how she has been acting. Mid-life crisis or not, this does not give you the right to abandon your family. She waited until all of us were over 18 so she can pack up and get the hell out and not worry about custody or child support. But I guess what she didn’t realize is that, if you wait until your children are adults they can come to their own conclusions about you for themselves. Maybe you should have done this 10 years ago when you realized you weren’t in love instead of waiting 10 years to drop this bomb out of nowhere. Way to keep up this charade. Now your children don’t want anything to do with you, you wasted how many years of your husbands life and all you care about is money. It seems like this was an A+ decision. Well, pack your bags because we all have had enough of your bullshit.

Then my father is dating. The divorce papers aren’t even signed yet and he’s all over the internet looking for dates. We are barely use to the idea of a divorce and now this. Of course, he doesn’t keep it to himself, but feels the urge to tell us about these women. I don’t care. Honestly, I really don’t. I don’t want to know who you are seeing, what they do for a living, how old they are or anything. I DON’T FUCKING CARE.

It feels like every few days, something new happens and I just am on the verge of having a major meltdown. I’m stressed out. I can’t deal with my own shit and theirs too. If I had just had my life together out of high school and did college the 4 year way, I would be on my own and have a job already. I wouldn’t be working as a nanny, still living at home and waiting for the fall school year to start.

It’s just so frustrating. I’m kind of lost right now.

I can’t wait until my vacation mid June, I really really deserve it.

When I was younger my family would occasionally go on vacations- more like “vacation”. I was probably about 7 or 8 years old, still young enough not to know we weren’t really going on vacation. My mother was never a fan of the Mouse so automatically that was ruled out. My dad doesn’t like to fly because of his anxiety. When you live in the Midwest, have 3 children and don’t like to fly, vacations are kind of hard to do. Of course, we hit up The Dells every now and then and that was always fun. We’d also go camping, but that is another entry in itself. Trust me.

My parents favorite thing to do was pack up the car for a weekend and drive to some random place, like LaPorte, IN and we’d shack up for the weekend at a Holiday Inn. Ta da! Vacation! Of course at 7 years old, I thought this was the coolest thing ever. We’d get to hang out in a hotel room! Room service! Gift shop! Game room?! No way! And OMG a pool!

I remember wandering in the hotel gift shop thinking everything was so amazing. Rubber stamp sets? I needed them! I never got my rubber stamp set. The other thing I remember, was this little pewter treasure chest that had a necklace inside. I needed that necklace so bad. It was my souvenir. You would think after taking me to hotel in boofoo Indiana and telling me it’s vacation, I’d at least get some rubber stamps out of the deal!

After swimming, eating free continental breakfast and playing pinball to my little heart’s content we’d head home. Back to south Chicago. I know better now, but then my fake vacations were pretty cool.

I finally got to Disney World at 22 years old and again the year after, I’ll be making another trip there in June. It really is my favorite place in the world. I have San Francisco in July for BlogHer and then hopefully rounding out the year with another trip to Vegas in the fall.

What vacations do you have planned for the year? Fake or real.

Will you bring me some rubber stamps as a souvenir?