You know how when you just aren’t feeling your best? Not even in a body image or mental state kind of way. Just your body doesn’t feel good?

I’m there right now.

I haven’t been treating my body too well lately. I’ve been blaming it on being unhappy and just sulking. The eating, the lack of exercise, the junk food. I’ve been stagnant for way too long. I don’t get up and move around as much. I’m not chasing after kids I nanny or walking around downtown or anything like that anymore. And it’s really taking a toll on me.

Physically, emotionally and mentally. It’s obvious to anyone who knows me and sees me every now and then, that I’ve gained a lot of weight.

But weight being besides the point, I need to start treating my body better. When I eat fresh food and more lean protein, I feel good. I’m not sluggish and feeling crappy then. Which is how I feel right now.

So I’m going to start being better. And not just in a vanity kind of way. Just a healthier in general kind of way.

Grocery shopping for healthier food, cooking, not eating out, more walks and even the stupid 30 Day Shred.

I need to start physically feeling good. I need to catch up to my emotional state which is getting way better. I’m embracing “I’m Awesome, Fuck Everyone Who Doesn’t Realize That” mindset.

Although I definitely wouldn’t mind lose some of this weight while doing the get healthy thing.

I know weight and body image is something I constantly address and I’m not very good at doing much about it. I use to be so good. I need to get back to that state of mind.

I don’t plan on making another “time to start losing weight/getting healthy” type post.

This is it.

There will be no more false starts.

This is it.

Well it seems to be that time again. You know every couple months when I have a bit of a meltdown about my body. Yeah, that time.

After seeing pictures of myself that have popped up from BlogHer and other events, watching a show full of hot bitches take off their clothes and some photos of something else that bothered me, it’s time to crack down.

Seriously.

SERIOUSLY.

When I look in the mirror I don’t see it but when photos and video roll around, I get embarrassed. How could I have let myself wear that or sit like that? Or fuck, I really look that bad?

So yes, it’s time to get things moving again. I’ll be starting the Shred again and taking more long walks with the pup. Heavily restricting my food intake, lots more water and all that good stuff.

I’m ready to see the numbers drop and some changes. For good.

If you need me I’ll be in front of my tv crucio-ing Jillian Michaels.

That bitch.

While watching So You Think You Can Dance? I managed to catch a commercial for this new show Fox is coming out with called More to Love. Maybe others have heard about it before but it’s news to me.

FOX is setting out to prove that love comes in all shapes and sizes with the new inspirational dating competition series MORE TO LOVE. Executive-produced by Mike Fleiss (“The Bachelor,” “The Bachelorette”), the unscripted series follows a single average guy with a big waist and an even bigger heart as he romances several confident and secure plus-size women. Each week, the husky hunk will wine and dine a group of curvy women to determine if they have more love to give or if they are truly more than he can handle. When the size of competition narrows, he will have to decide if one full-figured lady will become his true love.

“This is a dating show that sends the right message about embracing and loving yourself no matter your shape or size,” said executive producer Mike Fleiss. “When you are comfortable with your own body, you can really allow yourself to be open to the possibility of finding the right person to love.”

Hold the fuck up.

So if the only size that matter’s is the “size of your heart” then why do you have to have a separate dating show for us “average” folk? Curvy girls aren’t allowed to date The Bachelor now or even men that are thinner than them? They have to date the “single average guy with a big waist”? Is it because Fat People need to stick together? If you’re that “comfortable with your own body” then why limit yourself to who you can date by their weight? Maybe cast some real women on your other reality dating shows besides size two women because all of America doesn’t have plastic boobs and tiny waists.

This is officially the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

Thoughts?

A few days, errr…. okay, FINE months ago, I picked up a copy of this 30 Day Shred nonsense.

Basically, it’s been sitting on top of my dvd player for way too long. So I figure if I write about doing it, I have to do it. Or I’m a big lying fakey McFakerson.

The size of my ass depends on each and every one of you.

(No pressure.)

You all are keeping my accountable whether you like it or not.

(Is it possible to cheat at The Shred? Would I see 30 Day Shrediness if I did it twice a day for two weeks?)

Let’s do this. Make me look fierce, Jillian. I want an ass like Gaga.

(I predict a post announcing my death from being Shredded tomorrow.)

Anyone who knows me, knows I constantly struggle with my weight and food. I’m always one extreme (restrictrestrictrestrict) or the other (eateateat) and it’s hard for me to find a healthy medium.

I’ve had a lot going on since late last year. I’ve dealt with a heart wrenching break up, an incredibly stressful internship which had me working 12 hour days, existing off peanut M&Ms and food ordered in from Grub Hub and left me feeling unappreciated, along with the never ending family drama.

Needless to say: STRESS = EATING

Too bad I’m not one of those people who just can’t bear to look at food when I’m freaking out about my life falling apart, right?

Well, obviously just by looking at me, I’m not one of those people.

I’m at the highest weight I’ve ever been at. The thought of stepping on the scale to confirm that, scares the shit out of me so I’ve been staying far, far away. I just know though. I feel heavy. Massive. My clothes fit differently. The thought of packing for a Florida vacation a few weeks ago nearly sent me into meltdown mode.

So it’s time for detoxing.

Cutting down the pop intake until I can finally convince myself to stop drinking it completely. Lean proteins. Fruit. Water water water. Laying off the carbs. Time to man up and step on the scale to find out that scary number to further convince myself that, no, I don’t really need those french fries. Time to extend those walks with Edie. Time to really exercise.

I know if I really wanted to, I can drop weight off really, really quickly. I know my body and know how to get things done but I don’t want my world to revolve around calorie counting, skipped meals and hopping on the scale every time I walk past the bathroom.

I don’t want to be a mess. The mess that I am now or the mess that I am when I work myself up into a crazed dieting frenzy.

There has to be a balance somewhere.

(And I swear to god, if someone comments with: “Oh it’s so easy. Just watch what you eat and exercise”, I will cut a judgey bitch. You have NO idea what it is like to really struggle with weight so shut your face. Seriously.)

In Las Vegas, there is a lot of skin almost everywhere you go. Go go dancers in corsets, dealers in lingerie, girls in bathtubs with  only rose petals on their nipples (yes, at Tao), scantily clad club goers and I’ll go on to say that most are very attractive.

Really, if four days of that wasn’t enough to make me feel like a ginormous cow, I don’t know what was.

Now I’m not saying if I had a body like that I would walk around next to naked but I do wish I had that kind of confidence.

I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

Funny that being around a bunch of barely dressed women with my boyfriend was what I needed to stop this cycle, isn’t it?

I’m tired of being like this.

I want to be one of those girls that turns heads.

I want my boyfriend to feel like his has the prettiest girl in the room.

And for once, I want to feel like I can agree with him.

It’s time for serious change.

The scale has hit that number.

You know the “at least I’m not ___ lbs yet” number. Don’t get me wrong, I have been more than this but this  is one I was hoping I wouldn’t see again. I don’t plan on letting it get higher though.

I know there are some people who think, “Just shut up, eat better and work out. It’s so easy. Stop complaining”.

Those people have obviously never struggled with their weight before. Those people never felt the need to skip meals. When you do eat, never felt the urge to count each and every calorie you put into your mouth. Then regret each and every one of those calories, even if it was just a piece of fruit. They don’t step on and off the scale throughout the day, flinching if the number goes up an ounce or breathing a sigh of relief if it is down a bit.

It’s not easy for everyone.

Now I’m back at the start. I’ll watch what I eat, find time to work out and hope I don’t work myself up into a giant mess again this time.

There are people size 2-22, men and women, young and old who have issues with food and dieting. Some people are lucky to never have body image issues but I’m not one of them.

If you’re lucky enough to be one of those people, don’t judge.

You don’t know what it’s like unless you have been there yourself.

I’ve been pretty much maintaining the same weight, give or take a few pounds, since December when I went to Vegas. While the number was far from ideal, I wasn’t really mad at it. I don’t like it and still think it is too high, but it could have been worse. The past two weeks, I have really been indulging myself and telling myself it was okay because my birthday was coming up. Today I got on the scale and saw a number I was definitely not okay with, only a few pounds up but still, not good.

Starting today, I’m now back in lose weight mode. I have a trip to Florida in June and I would like to look acceptable in a swimsuit. So I’m back to watching my intake, daily weigh ins and elliptical every day I can fit it in. Also, now that the weather is actually starting to feel like spring and getting warmer, Edie and I will be taking a long walk once a day. I’m cutting out pop (soda, for your weird people!) completely and drinking tons of water. More protein, less carbs. All the little things like that will make a big difference.

So time to get in to shape. No bullshit. No excuses. Let’s do this – the right way.

I decided to take part in BlogHer’s Letter to My Body initiative. This most definitely isn’t a cry for attention. Just honesty.

Dear Body,

We’ve been through some rough times, you and me. I don’t treat you as well as I should. I know this. It’s such a struggle for me to do what’s right when it comes to you. No one else really understands. They all just think it’s so simple. Unhappy with your body? Slave away in the gym, eat all the right things, do all the right exercises and everything will be perfect. You’ll get that beach body in no time!

It’s not that easy.

Five years ago, I ran you to the ground. I did hours on the elliptical. I didn’t eat as much as I should have. It showed. 20ish pounds down in a matter of months. Small thighs, bony chest, hipbones that could cut glass, but was I really even happy with that? My mother was scared. I was depressed. It was a really rough time.Then I met someone who loved me so much, who thought I was perfect no matter what. It was okay to eat now. To go out to restaurants again. To enjoy food. I got comfortable. Today I am still lucky enough to still be with that someone who makes me so happy and still says I am perfect.

But you, body, no longer make me comfortable. He tells me I am beautiful, but I don’t see that. The mirror and I are not friends. I’ve put back on that weight lost, plus much more. I dread going shopping, it almost always ends with me in near tears. Break downs in fitting rooms are my specialty, it seems. Shoes and bags? Those are my favorite. Why? It doesn’t matter how much you weigh, they will always look good.

You see, for the past few years it’s been a continual power struggle between us. There’s never a medium with me. It’s always one extreme or the other. This is why I am stuck where I am today. Eat eat eat or lose lose lose? I can fluctuate 10 pounds in 2 weeks. Lose it quick, eat and gain it all back, only to do it over 2 weeks later. It’s a never ending cycle.

I don’t find bones appealing, so that is not the look I am going for. I just want to be happy with you again.

So body, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the shit I put you through. I’m sorry for depriving you. I’m sorry for overindulging you.

I’m working my way to finding that medium.

I hope I find it soon.

- J