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here’s the thing about dating

January 17, 2010 | boys, dating

IT SUCKS.

Okay, maybe I’m being too judgmental considering I never really dated before. I’ve always managed to kind of fall into relationships and that’s worked out just fine for me. My last relationship began as a friendship and lasted for five amazing years.

But for real, real actual dating just seems like too much work.

I mean, first you have to meet someone which is hard to do especially if you have to be like two glasses of wine in to even consider talking to the opposite sex anymore. Seriously, I use to be good at the whole flirting and boy thing. Then I got into a long term relationship, broke that off, chubbed up a bit and now it’s like I completely forgot how to talk to guys. Forget about flirting.

Then there is the whole awkward, getting to know you process where I’m just like do you really want to know how my brain works? Here is my twitter. You’ll know way more about me than you EVER wanted to because no really, I DO actually think about Zac Efron, mac and cheese and apply Mean Girls quotes to every day conversation all in the time span of about 10 minutes and VOCALIZE it.

Moving on to the “let’s meet up for coffee or some nonsense” and I’m all dude, I don’t drink coffee. I eat like a 7 year old and prefer hot chocolate with a side of chicken fingers, thanks.

(unless you want to get me drunk because clearly, we all know I’m about the wine)

Prettying myself up. Trying to pretend like I’m interesting. Showing interest. Not getting distracted by shiny, pretty things. Making myself available. Trying to be witty and charming. The Someone Might Possibly See Me Naked in the Near Future Diet and Exercise Plan.

IT IS HARD WORK.

Which is why I decided I’m not going try to date. I’m not going to seek guys out.

I’m just going to wait.

I’m going to wait for a dude to find my blog or follow me on twitter and fall in love with me. Then he already will know about my Crazy and Ridiculous but will just think it is Quirky and Adorable so we can skip all the awkward and just get to the good stuff.

I know. I know it’s kind of the best plan ever. I don’t have to do anything except what I’m already doing.

JUST KEEP BEING AWESOME.

62 Comments so far
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First Date, Do what I do- Get falling down drunk, ramble on with WAY TMI, and at some point molest their face with your tongue. If they call again after that, they’re a keeper.

I went through something similar and I’ve been semi-trying to “put myself out there” but it’s been just about the worst thing ever. It’s made for some pretty interesting stories, though. I know it sounds horrible, but I’d almost rather sit at home on the couch with my puppy and watch horribly awesome tv and eat food that’s bad for me. Your plan wins.

I feel your pain, I’ve been “getting out there” and it’s painful lol. Meeting guys is hard enough but then the process of going on date after date, having the same conversations is rough. I think it’d be so much easier to just fall into a relationship!

This really does sound like the best plan ever. Seriously. I’ve never really mastered the whole flirting thing. Thank God I’m married to a man that doesn’t know what actual flirting is. ^_^

I do think you find things when you’re not looking, so it should pan out for ya.

Aww, your writing is cute. I go by the old and trusted adage, “When You’re Not Looking, He Will Come”, it’s annoying and true.

hahah. Good post.
I’m not a ‘dater’ either. I’m terribly awkward and chronically shy. I’ve been single again now since the start of december, and I’m still in the period of absolutley loving the fact that I am free from douchey ex. Maybe one day I’ll decide I want to be dating, but right now, I’m being selfish.

I was the same as you – I could never talk to guys EVER. And I don’t know what the hell happened, but put a guy in front of me and I’ll flirt like a crazy bitch until I go blue in the face. And I still haven’t gotten a date! What is up with that? So yes, here’s to not seeking out guys, let them come to us… because we’re worth it

I’ve got a very similar problem myself in that I’ve fallen into most of my relationships and I’m not a big fan of actually dating. Your plan sounds like a good one!

You know? If that works out REALLY well for you, you can probably leverage your story to become a subscription service where you can make millions by telling people just to hang out, relax and it’ll happen!

For me, the moment I stopped looking I found that man that became my husband. Funny how life works like that.

JAMIE – I FEEL THE SAME WAY RIGHT NOW.

I keep cancelling on this dude because it’s so much effort. I hate dating. I’m too awkward for it.

I don’t think I could ever date. Now that I’m married, I couldn’t imagine having to go through that all again! The stress, the “are we or aren’t we” thing. UGH!

i love this plan! the “stop-seeking-out” method worked for me, i agree, maybe not everyone – but it’s totally worth a shot!!

I agree, stop looking. You could put an ad on your blog “Looking for man armed with chicken fingers and hot chocolate”. Or, you can just forget boys all together and we can go eat chicken fingers and drink hot chocolate. Win? I think so!

Love it! Right before I met my husband, I decided I was not going to get into anything serious, I was just going to let guys take me out to dinner. Freaking exhausting! Then I met J and told him not to expect it to turn into anything serious on our first date. I’m glad it worked out. I am so bad at dating. And, apparently, I can’t call what will work and what won’t very well.

Yep, dating is sort of like my own personal version of hell. Unfortunately, it has to be done if I ever want to do the whole get married and have kids thing. I’m not sure when I lost “it” but I am a giant wuss when it comes to men now. I’ve been reading a blog called Hooking Up Smart (http://www.hookingupsmart.com). She gives some fantastic dating advice. Other than that, I’ve got nothin’. Sorry! We’re rowing along in the same boat.

I LOVE this post. When my bf and I broke up, dating was just awful. I felt awkward and insecure and unsure of myself, and that all showed – which is never good when trying to impress a potential mate. Besides, the say the best things happen when you least expect it, and are therefore, not trying. It’s the best attitude to have, I promise.

your plan works!

i did exactly that and found exactly what i wanted and a hella lot more.

extra effort = temporary. crazy shit = permanent.

do not date. it’s soul-destroying

I was sort of in the same boat until finishing school and moving to Chicago… once I got here relationships didn’t happen but A LOT of dates have…

I don’t go out actively seeking guys, but just staying open to the possibilities. And sometimes that’s meant that I approach random guys. Sometimes they approach me. That’s what happened at the last concert I went to… a Macedonian man with a beautiful body and accent.

I’ve met a lot more guys online. It’s been great. I get to screen them. And while I’m screen them, I get to look through all these profiles of various hot men. I don’t have to talk to them, just look at all the prettiness. It’s been fun. And well, I’ve made some great friends in the process too.

As for first dates? The Boy (who I met online) went out for hot wings, because really, if he was going to be a keeper, he needed to see me in all my saucy glory. Got the second date.

Anyway. I definitely think you should have a “date me” button on your blog that leads to a page for all the guys who fall in love with you because of your blog/twitter, so they know how to contact you and what you’re expecting.

It def does suck, I hear you there! Best of luck with it all, I sadly don’t have any words of wisdom as I”m still super single after my last relationship ended way too long ago lol.

I know what you mean. I had never really dated before either. I always had developed relationships without ever having an awkward first date with someone you don’t know. So when I met Adam at the bar (which I said I would NEVER do), I was FREAKING OUT about our first date, which I almost cancelled. He wanted to take me to a nice restaurant and for some reason I insisted on Buffalo Wild Wings (eevn though I am a vegetarian) because I thought it would make things more interesting and give us stuff to talk about. Which he still teases me about. I was so nervous about the whole dating thing, every time we went out for quite a while. But….it worked out.

When The Boy and I first met we did almost exactly that.
We exchanged email addresses and I began our conversation with “This is All The Crappy Insane Stuff I Do. If It Doesn’t Scare You Off We Can Talk About ‘A Relationship’”
I put all my crazy out in the open and expected him to leave.
He didn’t.
And it made the whole process a lot faster/more enjoyable.
I think if we were to break up I’d keep the method. It cuts down on the “getting to know you” awkwardness. Hehe.

That’s actually EXACTLY what I did last year! Dating in Chicago in winter is the shittiest time to try to legitimately meet someone. It just is. Nobody wants to go out of their houses and when you are out, you have snot dripping from your nose or you have hat head. Combine that with a weird state of things for Chicago men in their late 20s/ early 30s (the “I’m in no rush to lock it down, I can date around because there’s more women than time in Chicago” kind of dudes), and I decided to take a break from dating for the foreseeable future.

Which is when a reader sent me an email. And we got to “talking,” and we met for a drink, and we never stopped talking and nearly a year later are still together. It happens.

And the best part? It’s exactly like you said…he already knows me better than anyone I could spend 5 years with because he read me.

Have fun! Live your life. Hang out with people, and meet people…but dating is so dull and boring. I fell into my marriage and it was the best thing ever.

Um, did you steal this post from my brain? My friends were *just* asking me this weekend why I’m not dating and the answer? Because I don’t want to put up with the BS of dating just yet. The stupid getting to know you stuff, the awkwardness of the first kiss and hug, will he call, won’t he call. UGH. I’m in a good place right now so why would I want to ruin that? So I’m with you. I’m up for an organic dating situation (aka not through a dating site) and if it happens, great. But I’m not going to look for it.

Stellar post!

First of all: HI! I’m a sometimes-lurker and I apparently missed delurking day because I wasn’t lurking that day. So hello!

Now that I’m all delurked I’m giving my full support to this plan. Dating? Not fun. I’ve always fallen into long term relationships too. Dating is too much work and too exhausting and even when you HATE games you end up caught in them.

this. I hate dating. It’s the pits.

The first few dates I went on after my big breakup I found myself always downing a quick glass of wine before meeting up with the fella because I was so nervous and freaked out. If it feels like it’s too much work, than he’s probably not the right fella, so there’s nothing wrong with your approach. Make yourself emotionally available but don’t do anything where you’re uncomfortable, because then you might be starting off under false pretenses.

I also don’t drink coffee. It made dating hard, and it makes freelancing where people want to talk about projects over a cup of joe, even harder! Good Luck! I’m sure you’ll find an online stalker, I mean boyfriend, really soon!

So, hey, when you finish up this experiment and it totally works (which it will), will you please write a book about it? Because, this, THIS, is the type of self-help I need.

KEEP BEING AWESOME. Well, ok, if you INSIST.

Yep, we had an email exchange about this exact thing and this post hits the nail right on the head.

Again, you and I need to devise an advanced screening and relationship assignment program. I have a venture capitalist in mind.

You think I’m joking.

(ok fine i’m joking)

Well, didn’t you just take the words right outta my mouth. It musta been while you were kissing me.

…Meatloaf reference too much? Oh.

Anyway, yes. Keep waiting. Dating ends up being more trouble than it’s worth. And that’s for damn sure.

You’re right…there is a lot of pressure with dating. But I wouldn’t mind dating people and interacting with different types of personalities. I’m not ready to jump into it quite yet, but after four years of being off the market, I wanna see what else is out there. But I agree…there’s a lot of stress and awkwardness that comes with dating!

I effing love this post. And if I ever come to Chicago (or you know- you come to MN) we’re totally hanging out. Dating definitely sucks. I majorly agree.

I feel like I could have written this post and I feel like we need to Gchat about this.

I was in a 4 year relationship and afterwards, meeting guys became too much work. I can totally relate to the whole OMG a guy might see me naked and my last bf got me all chubs dilemma…I hope whatever guy randomly finds me likes a little chub hahaha.

This is why one of my new year’s goals is to go on just ONE date. NOT actually date multiple people because I simply cannot do it. I hate the whole “game” and then the “do I wait a day to call/text him?” and all that other bullshissery.

Totally support your “fall in love with me via Twitter” idea.

Oh dear god, I’m currently on that someone may see me naked soon diet and I want to stab someone. I hate being a girl…..

And hot chocolate with a side of chicken fingers sounds like the shit.

I’m with you… dating does suck! First dates make me so nervous… argh!

I hate dating too. It never worked out well for me. So I waited around too and eventually I met a guy at my friend’s bday party and we just kindof fell into a relationship and it worked. So…yeah…dating is totally lame.

I love the idea of finding someone without the extra work. It’s supposed to be fun (right?) but I’m just not feeling it.

I’m so with you, especially on the needing alcohol part. When people I don’t like flirt with me, I just feel uncomfortable and when people I do like flirt with me, I either convince myself they aren’t flirting with me or feel so nervous I could throw up.

i think i’m going to join you in this waiting plsn – i mean, hello we are awesome women some internet savvy man is going to see that eventually right??!

RIGHT?!?!

Hot chocolate on coffee dates is totally OK!

Wow, I am going through a painful break up and was kind of looking forward to dating but now after reading this I am not so sure. I have never just dated. I have always (which seems to be the majority) just fallen into my long term relationships.

I don’t even know how to put myself out there. I am not sure I am even ready for that at this point.

Blah, dating. For me, the worst part is figuring out what to talk about. I hate when I have to take the lead and they just “uh huh” it the whole time, but I also hate when they go on and on and on (I like to talk too!). Sigh.

I have never really dated because I married the guy I dated in high school. It seriously sounds like a nightmare after hearing horror stories from my single friends, and I think you are on the totally right track by letting things happen naturally. I mean seriously, how awkward is dating??

Ah, that was my dating plan, I love it. It totally works. Just work hard and make yourself happy, everything else falls in line.

I never “dated” just kind of got together with my boyfriend. Dating is hard!

Haha, I think that’s an excellent plan. At the risk of being mushy, that’s the mindset I was in when I met Boo. I had reached the “forget trying to date, there is no point to it” stage in my life and then a few weeks later there was Boo!

Dude, even reading this made me exhausted — let alone actually doing all of that lame, necessary date stuff. I think you have the right idea: keep being awesome and — as my mom always says — the right guy will “show up at your door, carrying a bag of bagels.”

May sound crazy, but she’s a wise woman. That’s pretty much exactly how my last relationship started. Hopefully my luck will be that good the second time around, too.

Oh no, Jamie! That might mean that we were fated, because I adore your blog and think you’re awesome! I’m going to have to break it to Mister softly =P

I’m with you, it’s ridiculous and it’s so hard to figure out who you should let through your screening process- but this part of life will bump into you soon, just keep going out to places where it can, and it definitely will =)

Your attitude is awesome. My first date was when I was 19, as was my first kiss. I never really learned how to flirt, so I’m still a work in progress.

sing it sister friend. sing it. that’s totally the real way to do it anyway.

dude i’m pretty sure that’s how it happens anyways. guys always pop into your life when you’re not looking or not trying so i hope that happens for you too. and um don’t forget, i can easily be persuaded to hook you up with some random stranger matt and matt high five in vegas again

i mean that’s what friends are for.

Dating rocks. The awkwardness, rollercoastering emotions, major letdowns, it all rocks!

But in all seriousness, it blows. I just want to be married. Forget the dating and all the bullshit that surrounds it!

I’m dating right now and oh holy fuck hell make it stop.

hahahahaha i love you!

welcome to the plan that i’ve been on for eleven and a half months. so far i’ve succeeded in still being single, with a mess of complications and half a dozen stalkers (aka boys who love me but i don’t love back). so i’m hoping i’ll just wait it out some more and find a boyfriend (aka boy who loves me and that i love back).

- lauren

That sounds like a super awesome plan. Just continue to BE AWESOME! Meeting people and making friends in hard when you’re a grown up/20-something, and I can’t even imagine trying to date…Good Luck!!

I’ve never dated! My current boy and I just fell in love with each other AND then went on dates. And my current is my first MashaALLAH.

You are amazing–this blog post had me laughing out loud.

Until recently I didn’t date either, but what ‘fell into’ wasn’t blissful 4 year relationships, it was more like dating ever 4 weeks but without the coffee or getting drunk part, just the “lets go back to my place” bit–sucks!

So this time I tried the dating thing–what made great I think is we actually had started becoming friends before he decided to ask me out–that’s what you gotta do! Make sure you’re at least on your way to being friends before any of the dating bit, & it should run smoothly after that.

But I mean, besides that, your plan is pretty golden–why wouldn’t you fall for that random guy who stumbles unto your twitter & falls madly in love with you? I mean…really.

LOVE your blog.

I think the chances of some awesome hot dude stumbling upon your site or twitter stream is pretty likely, so keep being wonderful. It’ll happen in the near future, for sure!

(And if not, you can come drink with me. And I’ll introduce you to law school boys who may or may not be a good idea.)

Um, hi, dating sucks ALL AROUND.

Since I’ve been single, I’ve been hanging out with a friend that I’ve known for two years and guess what? ITS STILL AWKWARD. Ugh.

I’m with you on the whole “he should just read my blog or Twitter and then know everything he could ever want to know plus some” thing.

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