i cannot deal with your midlife crisis
November 11, 2009   |   family, rants

I’ve never had a huggy, super close relationship with my mom. And I’m perfectly okay with that.

Things have been especially rocky since she decided to spring a divorce on my father out of the blue days after Christmas, while I was out of town and somehow forgot to mention that when she welcomed me back home. Then proceeded to act like everything was fine, ignore what she did and that she didn’t completely throw our family for a loop. She just went on about her business acting like nothing was happening. And when anyone called her out on it, well, we were the selfish ones. Guilt trips and blaming others is her specialty.

Kind of delusional, right?

Then she started to lose weight. Which is great for her because she’s always wanted to. Fine. Whatever. But apparently that made her the expert on all things weight and healthy. And basically ALL SHE TALKS ABOUT. Going shopping with her makes me want to shoot myself in the face. Because she thinks “this is too loose”, “too baggy” and “I think I need a size small” when she clearly doesn’t need a size small. She just wants people to comment about her weight loss. ALL THE TIME. Or like the time she wanted to borrow a dress from me (my mother has never worn dresses. ever). The dress in question was the one I wore to my HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION. What is wrong with this sentence?

MAINLY THAT YOU ARE NOT 17 YEARS OLD.

And then she tries to get me to tell her what size I wear by casually throwing it into conversation. “I got these corduroys. What size do you wear? You should see them.”

1) I do not wear fucking corduroys and 2) SHUT THE FUCK UP.

She feels the need to comment about my weight and what she thinks is subtly commenting on hers and why she is doing amazing and what I should do. She’s been losing weight for all of 5 minutes. That does not make an expert.

For the record, I know I’m enormous right now. I get that. I’ve constantly struggled with my own weight and it yo-yos. Right now, I’m at my highest weight ever and I know I look bad. The past year and a half of my life has been fucked up and it visibly shows. It’s how I reacted to the stress. I don’t need it shoved in my face. It is not a competition.

But I can deal with it in my own and I am taking my own measures to work it out.

And then there is the LET’S HANG OUT stuff. Now all of a sudden when I’m 25 years old, she wants to HANGOUT with me all the time. “What’s new in life, Jame?(not JamIe)” Um, not much.  “I seen a Jillian Michaels Wii game” ….. (well you all know how I feel about Jillian Michaels) “Let’s get wine and drink!” No, I don’t want to get drunk with my mother. “Come over and order pizza”. No, I don’t want to watch you eat one slice of pizza and tell me your full and omg does this top look too big?!

We are not OMG HAAAY GIRLFRIENDs.

I have my own life to deal with. I can’t deal with her midlife crisis too.

And I have a feeling she is living up to those nosy tendencies of hers and reading my blog even though she said she doesn’t/wouldn’t. So if she does, hi mom, welcome to the blog that you shouldn’t be reading.

Curiosity killed the cat.


39 Comments so far
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Sounds like Mom needs a bit of counseling, figure out her own life and to not try and live yours (or act like she CAN.)

Good luck with that…

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By Michelle on 11.11.09 11:32 pm | Permalink

Okay, I completely respect your decision to vent on the blog. It is, after all, YOUR blog.
I only have one issue.
DON’T call yourself enormous and say you look bad because neither of those things are true. And I know that, because I saw you a few weeks ago. And I didn’t think ANY of those things. I thought you were adorable and purple and very cute. So don’t put yourself down like that.
Venting, however, you’re free to do. :)

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By Melissa on 11.11.09 11:40 pm | Permalink

Thanks Melissa! Was TOTALLY going to say that…but felt kinda weird since I don’t really know you/have never met you. But still, please don’t say you look bad. That makes me really sad. I know how frustrating it is to struggle with your weight…that was my whole life in high school, but you’ve gotta immerse yourself in positive self-talk and positive self-care.

I’m sorry all this stuff is going on with your mom. Hopefully if she does happen to read this, it’ll open her eyes to see that you guys might need to have a good heart to heart.

Lovies!

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By Akirah on 11.11.09 11:59 pm | Permalink

Oh man, I totally get it. But for me it’s my dad, not my mom. He is the most selfish human being on the planet and is always talking about his work, his vacations, his wife (my parents split up when I was young and now he’s married to a woman I refer to as my stepmonster), his awesome hobbies, etc. It’s been going on long enough that I’ve learned to basically just ignore it and accept that we’ll never have a close relationship because of it. Gotta love those parents.

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By Stevie on 11.12.09 12:08 am | Permalink

Completely agree with the two comments before mine. You are not enormous AT ALL!

Family is ridiculous and in most cases annoying. My family tends to be hypocritical and needy for attention all the time. It sucks.

Weight and body image and my relationship with my mother are all issues for me too if you ever want to chat!

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By Liz on 11.12.09 12:10 am | Permalink

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time with your mom! I hate that you feel like she’s making things a competition – that’s never good. I hope that she maybe realizes that her actions are giving negative feelings towards her!

Hugs!

By the way, I agree with the above – You’re Fabulous!!!

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By Just Fine Just Dandy on 11.12.09 12:19 am | Permalink

i love it when you’re kickass and bitchy.

sorry you’re having problems with your mom. so lame.

xoxooxoxooxo

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By tia on 11.12.09 12:47 am | Permalink

The best thing about you, Jamie, is that you know exactly who you are. You know your likes and dislikes, what works for you and what doesn’t. No matter what anyone says, you are who you are, and the second we embrace ourselves, the second our lives get better. So enjoy yourself, embrace yourself in every single possible way, and love yourself completely because many of us, and I certainly include myself here, are crazy about you.

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By Phil on 11.12.09 1:50 am | Permalink

I love the humor in this rant of yours – you certainly have a way with words! I just kept thinking of my own mother asking for my graduation dress. Let’s just say I’ve looked better in burlap sacks.

Phil (the above commenter) is a genius – YOU know who YOU are. The angst and unhappiness that characterizes many people’s lives comes from the absence of this very fact. Hold on to who you are – that’s more than most can do!

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By Izzy on 11.12.09 2:23 am | Permalink

Your mom sounds JUST like a lady I work with. She has lost a lot of weight and is constantly saying things like “These pants are too big and they’re an extra small.” She is full after half a slice of pizza. I think it’s completely rude. If someone says to you “Hey you look great- did you lose weight?” Then have at it and tell them about it but it’s not something you should be talking about out of the blue to make everyone around you thats NOT wearing loose extra small pants feel bad.

Sorry thats a pet peeve of mine.

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By Tara on 11.12.09 5:19 am | Permalink

My mom has her moments sometimes… and then she remembers she’s my mom. Hopefully your mom remembers that, too.

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By Angela on 11.12.09 7:11 am | Permalink

Sometimes honestly is the thing a person needs to hear. If you mom reads your blog, perhaps knowing how you feel will help her to understand how her behavior affects you.
I hope that things get better.

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By Melinda on 11.12.09 7:43 am | Permalink

Aw Jamie. I’m not going to tell you what you are or aren’t, but I will tell you that I’m so sorry that you feel badly right now. In your body, emotionally, all of it. No one who approaches you the way your mom is approaching you is going to help you, and while her actions are 100% about her, not you, this is clumsy and alienating at best.

For what it’s worth, my mom has been doing the “OMG LET’S BE BESTIES!!” thing since she left my step dad last year. I think mom’s sometimes feel like they need to gather up their armies and fill their lives with their primary relationships while they’re moving forward and forget that a lot of the time, leading up to a divorce, they are pretty much totally absentee.

You are a wonderful person. You’re beautiful, moving, sweet and heartfelt and your mom will back in time. I hope you’re doing okay, and you know where I am if you ever need to chat. I’ve got skype and would love to drink some wine with you =)

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Kyla Roma Reply:
November 12th, 2009 at 9:25 am

@Kyla Roma, “your mom will back in time” should read “your mom will back off in time” =)

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By Kyla Roma on 11.12.09 9:24 am | Permalink

Your mom sounds EXACTLY like my mom. Especially about being BFFs. My mom used to ASK me who’s your best friend?? and if I didn’t say her she would freak out on me! Also about the weight thing. My mom does this to me all the time. She lost a bunch of weight and all of a sudden because the expert and would make me feel like a POS. Now she’s gained all the weight back but still likes to pretend she knows everything about weight loss! Ugh it’s frustrating and unfortunatly I don’t think there is a way to handle that or make it stop. It’s something you just have to learn to deal with.

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By Carolyn on 11.12.09 9:31 am | Permalink

I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Or whatever would make you feel better. Sometimes people are more evolved than their parents. It’s the normal way for things to work. I know reminding yourself of that doesn’t help when you’re in the thick of things, but it sometimes helps me when I’m thinking about stuff later. Hugs.

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By Jane on 11.12.09 10:08 am | Permalink

Oh my GOD. I’m having flashbacks! My mother has always been in competition with me and I could never understand why. She never actually borrowed me clothes, she actually COMPLETELY JACKED MY STYLE.

Like when she saw that I’d cut my hair short, she cut hers the same day. I was rocking a certain style of scarf and she went out and bought 10 of them.

Hon, I’m sorry. {HUGS}

The only way I’ve been able to deal with it is to stay faaaaar away from it.

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By Hayden Tompkins on 11.12.09 10:48 am | Permalink

I reaaalllllyyy hope she sees this. Also, I wish I was there so we could be HAAAY GIRLFRIENDS and bring you ice cream and girl movies.

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By Rebecca on 11.12.09 10:58 am | Permalink

I think I like you more after this post, if that were even possible.

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By michelle woo on 11.12.09 11:51 am | Permalink

I can only imagine how annoyed you must be – a friend of mine had a mom who was arguably nice looking for her age, but she wore leather skirts and always wanted to “hang out” when we were in high school. It was MORTIFYING, and she wasn’t eveny MY mom!
I’m glad you recognize this madness for what it is, and you are standing up for the maturity of YOUR half of this relationship. Even though you’re frustrated, you’re being stable and strong :o )

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By Rebekah on 11.12.09 12:11 pm | Permalink

When I read this post I couldn’t believe that someone could be harping on their mom on their blog – because it’s something *I* seriously want to do but just don’t have the guts and the emotional capacity to sit there and type it all out. Kudos.
Serious.
I like you more now too.
She sounds hilarious.

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By Margarita on 11.12.09 12:28 pm | Permalink

i effing love this post. you are so honest and that’s what blogging is all about. second- i know what you’re going thru with the whole “lots of things happened and this is how i dealt with it”. well- i can relate, is what i’m saying. i’m always here if you need support :)

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By ReinventingAmy on 11.12.09 1:12 pm | Permalink

I’m so sorry things are like this between you and your mom. I had a friend back in NJ who lost a significant amount of weight and acted EXACTLY like how your mom is acting, and the thing I learned from the situation was that they’re looking at everything with a different set of eyes.

and the change that they are showing on the outside doesn’t even begin to compare to the change that they are feeling on the inside. you just gotta be patient and eventually she’ll stop. (hopefully).

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By thatShortChick on 11.12.09 1:29 pm | Permalink

That totally sucks what sucks even more is having to be the grown up and your mom the kid. Been there done that and decided it was best to just cut that cord. Sorry things are bad right now. And hello, we’ve seen pics of you silly you are not fat! Don’t beat yourself up and don’t let her get to you. You are wonderful.

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By Toe on 11.12.09 2:14 pm | Permalink

I wish I could give you a giant hug right now, lady. Or a giant glass of wine.

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By hillary on 11.12.09 4:50 pm | Permalink

As I know you remember, I went through a horribly ugly phase with my mother. So.. I get it. I GET IT.

Also? you’re gorgeous. YOU shut the fuck up.

[Reply]

rachel Reply:
November 13th, 2009 at 8:03 am

@nicoleantoinette, i second that. i adore your face. xo

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By nicoleantoinette on 11.12.09 5:33 pm | Permalink

That completely blows! I hate hate hate when people go on and on about weight loss. It doesn’t even matter if I’m happy with my weight or not. I could be my ideal weight and talk like that will always make me feel like I’m huge. I have a friend that is always either one complaining about her weight or gloating that she can fit into a size 2 again and I just want to slap her across the face. I have to remind myself that she does it because she has such low self esteem she constantly needs assurance from others. So I just have to remind myself that confidence is much prettier than anorexia any day. AND like everybody here has already said – you are NOT enormous. Quite the contrary – you are absolutely adorable.

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By Megkathleen on 11.12.09 6:29 pm | Permalink

i remember your past rants on your mom and it really doesn’t sound like she’s gotten any better and seriously that sucks and you deserve so much better.

and like nicole said you’re gorgeous!! so you shut your face. :)

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By katelin on 11.12.09 6:46 pm | Permalink

Oh, my dear goodness. I really hope this incredibly annoying phase that your mom is experiencing passes quickly, for everyone’s sake.

My husband’s mother had a strange midlife crisis. She lost a bunch of weight, started wearing her daughter’s clothes, went out drinking all the time, and knew everything about everything. It didn’t last though. It passed rather quickly. Now she’s back to normal, and I adore her again…most of the time.

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By Heather Rose on 11.12.09 8:49 pm | Permalink

I’m so sorry, weight is such a hard issue. I have dealt with it my entire life and there is nothing worse than unsolicited advice. Hang in there beautiful! Remember we are our worst critics…

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By Jaimee on 11.13.09 12:41 am | Permalink

jamie, this post really struck a chord in me. my relationship with my mother is rocky at best. i know a lot of kids have their parents divorce when they’re little, but being an adult when your parents split is also difficult. i’m with you on so many levels. ♥ kaileenelise

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By kaileenelise on 11.13.09 8:31 am | Permalink

[...] Yesterday’s post had been brewing for a very long time. It was definitely time to get it out regardless of who reads it. Maybe some felt it was out of line or mean but this is my place to write and I refuse to censor myself. And sometimes you just need to vent. Thank you to those who commented, I appreciate it more than you know. [...]

By Oh! How Lovely! { jamieann dot net } » Blog Archive » thanks, going back to school and hey you hire me! on 11.13.09 8:45 am | Permalink

I know you were ranty, and angry, and serious – but you had some GEM moments of funny in this. True story.

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Doniree Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 9:55 am

@Ben, Agreed.

And Jamers? I adore you. Also? See you in two days.

HOLLER.

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By Ben on 11.13.09 8:37 pm | Permalink

Jamie, you look fabulous the way you are! My mom’s the same way with me about losing weight. It’s painful to hear her say she is fat when she really isn’t.

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By steph anne on 11.18.09 2:14 pm | Permalink

Oh my. GOD.

It sounds like you are talking about my own mother. Seriously. Right down to when she sprang the divorce on my own father. Actually…that was right BEFORE Christmas in our story (7 years ago now!). Then there was the weight loss and wearing clothes that were “younger” than what I would dare wearing. Seriously. At least she never got down to my size so I didn’t have to get asked about my size. UGH.

We should chat more!

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By Mel on 11.18.09 5:17 pm | Permalink

I’m just now catching up from my wedding and honeymoon vacation, but I just wanted to say don’t be so hard on yourself! We love you, and we don’t like it when you’re so full of self-loathing! Chin up, lovey. Things will turn around soon. As for your mother? She sounds like an abolute nightmare!

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By chasingparadise on 11.24.09 1:56 pm | Permalink

[...] November Dealing with a parent’s middle life crisis. Ugh. But RPattz learned of my existence and we are now registered at Pottery Barn. And I stopped biting my nails. Go me! [...]

By Oh! How Lovely! { jamieann dot net } » Blog Archive » see yaaa 2009 on 12.29.09 12:26 pm | Permalink

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